Competence is the True Building Block of Real Confidence

Let's get one thing clear. There are all sorts of fake types of confidence out there. After all, the whole idea of faking it until you make it is actually still popular in the United States. A lot of people are under the impression that as long as you look successful, that's all that matters. Real success will eventually catch up with you. 

 

By the same token, there are no shortage of people who believe that as long as other people buy into the idea that you know what you’re talking about then this is as good as the real thing. These are the types of people who make a big deal out of formal titles or one’s placement on any kind of organizational chart. The idea is that your role defines you. In other words, if you carry a title, your title somehow some way bestows some sort of instant competence on you.

 

Both of these ideas involve magical thinking. There are simply too many leaps of faith as well as logic required for people to accept these and for these to have actual effects. Sadly, there are so many people who believe in faking it until they make it. The line of people who believe that their titles or how others view them truly determines who they are is actually quite long.

 

Of course, as everybody knows, all this is a fallacy because there's a profound difference between looking like you know how to do things and actually being able to deliver. Sadly, we have a society that is so obsessed about self-esteem that it equates it with self-confidence which turns out to be a false type of confidence.

 

Remember, it doesn't really matter whether you think you know how to build a bridge or not. It doesn't matter if you think you're a genius or not. What matters is whether you are able to perform what society asks of you.

 

This is where the rubber meets the road. Unfortunately, a lot of people who place a lot more importance on self-confidence built on self-esteem fall apart. They just crumble like a house of cards because they have built their confidence on something that's not real.

 

Competence is the true building block of real confidence because it's tried, tested and you only develop competence when you face adversity, challenges and failure. Sure, there's a tremendous amount of discomfort and inconvenience getting to this point, but that's precisely the point.

 

It's not something that you get just for showing up. It's not just some sort of door prize. It's something that you fight for. It's something that you earn. It's something that you sacrifice for. 

 

If you want to build your self-confidence on something real, click here. You will get the inside scoop on how to develop self-confidence that will not fall or fade or disintegrate in the face of difficulties. 

 

Self-Esteem Without Competence is a Recipe for Failure

For the longest time, in the United States and elsewhere, educational policy makers bought into the idea of self-esteem. Please understand that self-esteem is a good thing. Nobody's disputing that. However, according to this educational policy philosophy, for students to perform well in life, they need to have their self-esteem built up and encouraged early on.

 

Again, just like the observation that self-esteem is a good thing, this seems pretty good on the surface. What's there to argue about. The problem is if you are going to be building your self-esteem based on affirmations and being made to feel good about who you are without any accomplishments or physical results produced by your efforts to back it up.

 

You are building your house on sand. This is precisely what happened with generations of youth fed on the steady diet of self-esteem stimulation. That's really what it is. You just stimulated the formation of self-esteem not through actual achievements, accomplishments, sacrifice, hard work and other traditional indicators of success. 

 

Instead, people got self-esteem by being respected for showing up. That's it. That's all you need to do. You just need to show up and you get a prize for participation. According to this school of thought, your feelings are paramount.

 

If only things worked that way. Sadly, a lot of people who base their self-esteem on the fact that they happened to show up know deep down inside that their confidence is hollow. They know that this is not the way real life works. They know that the world may have some rude surprises waiting for them. No wonder, many people with supreme self-esteem are very frustrated and confused.

 

As long as you're feeling okay about yourself, then there's really not much difference between what you think and what everybody else thinks. You are entitled to your estimation of yourself, the rightness of your action, so on and so forth.

 

What this created is self-esteem that produced a very hollow self-confidence. People definitely can feel that they can do stuff, but they can only do it in theory. When they're actually given challenges to produce and deliver results, most people, who focus primarily on self-esteem without the matching competence, fall apart like a house of cards.

 

Self-esteem without competence is a recipe for failure. If you're having a tough time in any area of your life or you feel you're frustrated or stuck in any area of your life, maybe it's because of this. Sure, you feel good about yourself and it seems like you have a high estimate of your ability to get things done.

 

Unfortunately, unless and until that high estimation is based on actual experience and results, you're just wasting your time. It's probably going to be very hard for you to overcome challenges. It's probably very tempting for you to just quit the moment you're confronted with actual difficulty.

 

If you're suffering from any of these, thankfully there is a fairly straightforward and simple solution. Don't be afraid to ask for help and get the support you need.

 

5 Examples of Body Language and What They Show

Learning to read body language is a skill that takes years to master. The good news is, you can start at any time, and with a few simple tips, you can start the process. Below are five examples of body language and what they mean so you can start learning to read body language. 

 

1.    Arms Crossed Across the Chest

 

Crossed arms are perhaps the most common form of body language you will come across, and most people have at least a slight indication of what it means. Standing with your arms crossed is typically interpreted as defensive or closed off to new experiences. It usually means someone doesn't want to converse with you. Be careful, however, as occasionally it can mean someone is just cold.

 

2.    Tapping Fingers on a Surface

 

Another common body language is the tapping of fingers on a surface. You probably see this while you are at work, or maybe at a coffee shop. The tapping of the fingers indicates impatience and usually means that the person is waiting for someone. Knowing this could help you strike up a conversation next time you are also waiting for something. 

 

3.    Tilting the Head to One Side

 

Have you ever been talking to someone when they suddenly start tilting their head to the side? It is a good sign, as this particular aspect of body language means the individual is listening and interested in what you are saying. It can also be a sign of concentration, but either way, it means you have someone's attention. 

 

4.    Crossing Your Legs

 

Many people don't realize that crossing your legs is also body language and typically not a good one, as it can indicate you are uncomfortable. Please pay close attention when someone crosses their legs, though, as crossing them at the ankle rather than the knee can also indicate that they are hiding something. The direction their knee points will also indicate who they may be uncomfortable around. 

 

5.    Pulling on the Ear

 

Have you ever discussed something with a friend or coworker and noticed them pulling their ear? This form of body language can mean the individual is trying to make a decision but hasn't yet decided. This aspect of body language can come in handy when trying to make a business deal with another company! 

 

Overall, it will take lots of practice to learn to read all aspects of body language. But with these five examples, you will have a good head start as you learn what each motion means. So next time you are in a social situation, watch for these five forms of body language! 

 

5 Ways to Communicate With Body Language

Nothing is more important than presenting the appropriate body language for communication. Body language is one of the first things people notice about you, especially when meeting for the first time. 

 

If you want to ensure that you are relaying the right message, here are five ways you may want to practice body language.

 

1. Carry Yourself with Confidence

 

The way you carry yourself can convey to others how you feel about yourself or the conversation you are engaging in with them. The way to show confidence begins with your posture. When you stand with your back tall and shoulders relaxed, you can demonstrate to others that you have the confidence to carry on the conversation.

 

2. Lean In and Mirror

 

When you are sitting, lean your body slightly forward to show the other person that you are entirely interested in what they have to say. Additionally, mirroring the other person’s gestures occasionally can demonstrate that you are on the same page as they are. Both of these convey your level of attentiveness and can go a long way to the other person trusting in you.

 

3. Hand Movements and Other Gestures

 

Many studies have shown that using various gestures signifies accurate intelligence in people. Body language experts agree that using gestures and hand movements throughout a conversation can make or break a connection between the two people. Using a firm but not too firm handshake to using appropriate hand gestures while speaking can show the other person that you are confident and that you are credible.

 

4. Keep Your Eye Contact in Check

 

Most people know that making eye contact when having a conversation is one of the essential nonverbal skills you can demonstrate. People believe that the eyes tell a lot about a person’s credibility and character. While maintaining eye contact is crucial, it is also essential to remember that too much eye contact can be interpreted as awkward and even a bit creepy. Because of this, be sure to look away occasionally to keep this from happening.

 

5. Smiles, Nods, and Laughter

 

In most conversations, keep in mind that every person in the discussion is human, and because of this, some behaviors should come naturally. It is especially true for smiling, nodding, and even laughing. Smiling and laughing at appropriate times throughout the conversation can convey openness and a sense of humor that can make others feel at ease. Additionally, nodding on occasion shows the other person that you are not only listening but are also in the conversation with them.

 

Knowing ways to communicate with body language can make the difference between others feeling confident in you and what you have to say and think you are dishonest. Learning a few ways to convey your positive messages through body language can be the key to a successful conversation.

 

Body Language and Zoom: 3 On-Screen Body Language Tips

As if the idea of non-verbal communication was not already complicated enough, in comes the era of Zoom and other forms of virtual communication. When we are in person, we have the advantage of seeing a person's body language more broadly. Whereas when we are in virtual meetings, it is easy to misinterpret body language and other non-verbal communication. It is why you need to learn about these three on-screen body language tips that will help you send the right message when communicating virtually.

 

1. Keep Eye Contact

 

While this may be more challenging when you are on a Zoom meeting than in person, you need to be focused and present during the call. Many people mistake either looking at the other people on the video call or multitasking by having other tabs up, which can take your attention away and give off the impression that you are not present.

 

Most experts agree that while it is essential to look a person in the eye when face-to-face, this is entirely different when you are on a Zoom call. The person on the other side of the screen can only know you make eye contact when looking at the camera.

 

2. Be Mindful of the Position of Your Camera

 

For others on the Zoom call to see your body language and other non-verbal cues, you need to ensure that your camera is in the optimal position. This includes making sure that you do not have the camera too close to where all they see is your head. The best positioning allows other people to see your head and part of your torso so that you can use hand movements and gestures appropriately.

 

Since body language includes your body and not just your face and head, people must see the parts of your body that will help them interpret your thoughts and emotions during the video call.

 

3. Maintain a Good Posture

 

Since many of the Zoom calls are happening in the comfort of your home, you tend to be more relaxed by nature. This can become a problem during important video meetings because you can convey to others that you are distracted or bothered.

 

Maintaining good posture means sitting up tall but keeping your shoulders somewhat relaxed. If possible, make sure you are taking these Zoom calls at a table with a bit of a background and not sitting or lying on your couch. This will demonstrate to others that you are paying attention and are fully present with the conversation at hand.

 

All in all, following these three tips on on-screen body language can help you make a successful Zoom meeting rather than one that sends the wrong message to others. You want to exude a sense of professionalism while also showing you can be relaxed and present people must-see simultaneously during these important video meetings.

 

Body Language Mistakes You Don’t Realize You Are Making

Learning to read others' body language is difficult, but learning to read your own is difficult too. 

 

It can become a problem because your body language is so important that it can affect your ability to get a job, keep it, and maintain friendships. Below are some of the common body language mistakes you might be making, as well as the impact they could have on your life. 

 

Crossing Your Legs

 

This one is more common if you are a woman, but men have been known to cross their legs as well. You may do it out of habit or even just comfort because you like to sit that way. The reality is, crossing your legs indicates to others that you are uncomfortable, or worse, if you cross at your ankles, it means you might be hiding something. Therefore, you should do your best to keep your legs uncrossed and your feet flat on the floor. 

 

Not Maintaining Eye Contact

 

It can be uncomfortable to maintain eye contact with someone. However, if you don't maintain eye contact, it can convey several different things, such as boredom, being distracted, or worse, that you are lying. Many interviewers and those looking to make business deals are huge on eye contact, so next time you talk with someone, be sure to maintain eye contact. 

 

Eye contact doesn't mean you should constantly stare, though. You should naturally break eye contact occasionally, but keep your eyes on their face or hands and don't let them drift around the room. 

 

Crossing Your Arms

 

Crossing your arms across your chest is very similar to crossing your legs, as you may be doing it out of habit or simply because you are cold. However, it will help if you put a stop to it because it can tell someone you are guarded, not open to new experiences, or that you feel you are above them. Try instead to keep your arms hanging neutral at your side or folded nicely in your lap. 

 

Don’t Lean in Too Much

 

When talking with someone, leaning forward can show that you are interested and let them feel they are important. Be careful not to lean in too much as this can lead the person to think that you want something from them. It can lead to feelings of hesitancy on their end and could ruin a business agreement. 

 

Overall, you likely didn't know you were making any of these body language mistakes. Now that you know, it's time to adjust so you'll never make these body language mistakes again. 

 

Body Language That Builds Trust

Did you know that body language is a big part of building trust? Even though someone may not realize it, they will subconsciously respond to your nonverbal cues and body language. Therefore, if you want to build trust with someone, you must exude the correct body language to achieve that goal. 

 

Keep reading to learn all about the best body language to use to build trust! 

 

Head Tilting

 

It may seem strange, but tilting your head when you speak to someone can help them trust you. A head tilt is a vulnerable position, making the other person feel you are listening and vulnerable to them. It will make them feel more comfortable with you than if you were to look at them straight on.

 

Please don't go overboard, though. That will only seem condescending. A little inch or two of a tilt is plenty! 

 

Keep Eye Contact

 

Maintaining eye contact is a sign of honesty. If you are talking with someone and moving your eyes all around, they may think you are lying. Instead, it would help if you kept your eyes focused on theirs when speaking.

 

Bare Your Palms

 

Another body language hack you may not be aware of is when you want someone to trust you, bare your palms. Baring your palms is a sign of peaceful intentions, and when you think about it, it makes sense as clenching your fists is a sign of anger or unrest. So if you want the individual across the table to trust you, definitely keep your palms relaxed and open as you gesture with your hands. 

 

Be a Mirror

 

Everyone uses and reads body language, even those who haven't been trained to look for it. Therefore, the best way to gain someone's trust is actually by returning their body language. It will give them a sense of familiarity. 

 

Copy both their posture and movements. If they are sitting with their back straight, you do the same. If they are using their hands to speak, you should too. It is especially useful for gaining trust in a formal setting like a business deal. 

 

Whether you realize it or not, body language is a huge part of gaining someone's trust. So next time you want to score a business deal or maybe make a new friend at the park, use the above body language tips to do so. You might be surprised by how quickly you can build trust! 

 

The Power of Body Language

The process of communicating non-verbally is the first thing that you typically notice when interacting with others. Body language has a way of relaying specific intentional or unintentional messages whenever there is interaction with others. We express ourselves through body language such as posture, eye contact, and gestures. Though the meaning of each varies from culture to culture, we read body language to convey thoughts, feelings, and intentions. 

 

Posture

 

In most cases, a person’s posture is one of the most important and first things that most people notice about another individual. This is because the way you hold yourself conveys specific messages to the people around you.

 

You can often demonstrate whether you are confident, shy, nervous, or apathetic by your posture. While standing tall, holding your shoulders back and your head held high can show that you are confident, standing with your shoulders slouched and head down can relay a message that you are not.

 

Whether you intend to convey specific messages, you tend to do so by how you carry yourself in front of others. The power of using your posture to show others the side of you that is strong, brave, and confident can go a long way to achieving your goals.

 

Eye Contact

 

Eye contact is another essential part of body language that demonstrates who you are as a person. Although maintaining eye contact may or may not be intentional, it can convey a specific message to others with whom you are interacting.

 

It can become an intense or awkward situation when you make eye contact with someone and hold it for an extended period. Whereas not making eye contact can make others think that you are not interested in what they are saying.

 

Although this can be somewhat confusing, it is vital to understand that maintaining eye contact does not necessarily mean staring someone down the entire time you talk to them. Instead, it is generally acceptable to hold eye contact in a more natural way that allows others to know that you are interested and not trying to intimidate them.

 

Gesture

 

Many people use hand gestures often as they communicate with others, whether they intend to or not. In most cases, this has become a habit that they picked up either from someone else or something they have done for an extended period.

 

It is important to remember that some gesturing is acceptable while others are not. Knowing the correct way and amount of gestures you should be using during a conversation can differentiate between a successful discussion and an unsuccessful one.

 

Many body language experts say that you should always try to convey that you are open and honest with the person you are speaking. It is essential to keep your palms open while facing the person and make sure you are demonstrating strength and confidence in what you are saying and the gestures you are using.

 

Overall, body language and other non-verbal communication have the power to convey messages that you may not be saying verbally. The way you hold your posture, make eye contact, and use gestures in your communication can demonstrate to others how you feel about what you are saying.

 

Watching Body Language to Tell If Someone Is Lying

Do you hate when people lie to you? You aren't alone. 

 

Lying isn't pleasant, and it would be great if everyone would tell the truth. Since we know this won't happen, it's important to learn to read the body language signs that someone may be lying. This way, you will know who you can trust and who you better keep at an arm’s length. 

 

Watch for Lip Biting

 

When some bites or folds their lip before telling you something, this is a clear sign that they are lying. However, it may not be an outright lie as it could mean they are also holding something back. For this reason, be sure to watch someone's lips when they are talking. 

 

Look for Fidgeting

 

Fidgeting can come in many forms, from leg bouncing to table tapping or even lip biting. Either way, fidgeting is a sign of nervousness that usually presents itself when someone is about to lie. However, be careful with this one as someone in an uncomfortable situation, like a job interview, may fidget from nervousness, not dishonesty. 

 

Observe Their Eyes

 

When someone is open and honest with you, their eyes will look straight into yours. But if they are being dishonest, you will notice their eyes moving around the room. It is especially prevalent when you ask a question and are waiting for an answer. So next time you ask a question, shift from watching the lips to watching the eyes. 

 

Evaluate Any Delays

 

Did you ask a question, and the individual left a big space before answering? This behavior is a red flag that the person is about to lie. This large pause is them getting their story together and likely deciding they will lie rather than tell the truth. Therefore, besides just watching their eyes and mouth, be sure you are also listening for the pause indicating a lie is coming. 

 

Crossing the Feet at the Ankles

 

Crossing your legs is a sign that you are uncomfortable if crossed at the knee. If they are crossed lower at the ankles, this is a sign that the individual is lying. If you are sitting with someone at a table, this can be hard to check without being obvious, but if you can take a peek without drawing attention to yourself, definitely check if they are crossing their feet.

 

Now that you know some of the most obvious signs that someone is lying, the next time you head into a conversation where you aren't sure about the honesty of the person you are talking to, be sure to watch their body language. This way, you will know whether or not they are lying to you.