5 Signs You Are Way Too Guarded

All of us have run into times when we were hurt or felt like someone took advantage of us. And everyone has a bit of a guard up as they get older, forcing them to be more selective about the people they talk with and the information they share. This can give us some protection, but at some point, we can become too guarded and refuse to let anyone into our lives again. 

 

When you are way too guarded and have put too many walls up around you, it can be almost impossible for you to let someone in again. You may be open to love and want to find someone to spend your life with, but every time someone gets close, you shut them down and push them away. How can you tell that you are too guarded and that this problem is causing a big issue in your life?

 

When we are guarded, we will take normal situations and overthink them or assume that there is something wrong with having them in our relationship. There are several signs that you are acting way too guarded and it is starting to harm your relationships. These signs include:

 

• You swallow all your emotions: You decide to push all of your emotions down and never bring them up because you are desperate for things to be different from the last time. While this may sound like a great idea, pushing the emotions down will just make them explode worse than before.

• You have trouble with intimacy: When someone tries to be intimate with you, you decide to play it off as a joke. You may do this to try and protect yourself, but it ends up hurting the other person, which is not a good thing either. You may notice that feelings overall are going to make you uncomfortable. This can include all types of emotions, from having them, talking about them, and seeing others on screen displaying them.

• You are very critical: You are critical and try to play things off as cool to not talk about your emotions. You may feel that this keeps people at a distance, and it does. They will sense your attitude and run for the hills, especially if they would like a commitment.

• Your personality is intense: Those who have their guard up quite a bit are going to play a part, trying to show off how amazing they are, even when they feel down in the dumps. This can often be overdone, and most people can see right through it. You need to be your true self, not someone else.

• You see commitment as an ultimatum: If the other person wants you to commit, it can feel like a bad thing, even though most would see it as a good thing. People who are guarded see this as a big ultimatum, rather than a great milestone that should be next in a relationship. You may feel like your partner is trying to ruin a good thing by pushing it forward, rather than just letting things be. Your emotions can get the best of you, and it can lead to a fight that will end the relationship. 

 

When you exhibit several of these signs or more, it is a red flag that you are pushing people away and need to look at a new approach. If you have been hurt in the past, it is normal to put these walls up to provide yourself with some protection, but it is time to recognize the signs and bring them down if you want to experience true love again. 

5 Tips To Become A Better Listener

Most of us are good at talking and telling our stories, but when we want to make a lasting connection with other people, we need to take the time to become good listeners. We can learn so much about other people and how they interact with us if we can stop and listen to what they are saying and pay attention to some of their nonverbal cues as well. 

 

According to Harvard Business Review, listening well is a skill that can help you through many areas of your life. By learning how to become a better listener, you will be able to interact with anyone and make lasting connections that will help you succeed. Some of the tips that you can use to become a better listener include:

 

Pay Attention to Nonverbal Cues

 

Active listening means that you need to pay attention not just to the verbal cues that the person is saying out loud, but also to the nonverbal cues. This will tell you so much more than the words from the other person. There are a ton of nonverbal cues that you can consider listening for including body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. You will be amazed at what this can tell you. 

 

Repeat Back

 

This one can feel a bit unnatural at first, but you will find that it helps you to process what the other person is saying and shows them that you are paying attention. You don’t need to repeat everything but repeat the last few words back when they are done talking. It can keep you on track, helps the other person feel important, and gives you a few seconds to gather your thoughts. There is no reason to put it into your own words; repeat the words exactly as they were said. 

 

Ask Questions

 

You should ask more questions than you think is necessary. This will help the other person feel like you are listening to them and trying to understand what they tell you. And it is a great way to make sure that you are not overlooking the details. It is unlikely that you will ask too many questions at any time, so keep asking them to show that you are paying attention. 

 

Minimize the Distractions

 

It is really hard to pay attention to the other person if there are a ton of distractions going on around you. if you can’t focus in the room, maybe consider asking the other person to go to a new location so you can give them your full attention. Avoid interruptions, noise, and even your phone to make sure that you can give the other person as much attention as possible. 

 

Don’t Rehearse What You Will Say

 

One of the biggest mistakes that people will make when it comes to listening is that they spend more time rehearsing what they will say, rather than just listening. They want to sound witty or get their important information out there and they end up missing out on key details that would help them get along with the other person better. This is something that you need to avoid. 

 

Instead of rehearsing your responses, you should simply take a brief pause when the other person is done to compose your thoughts. You can think four times faster than the other person talks, so you will need to slow things down and learn to pay attention. Use that brainpower to stay focused so that you can take in as much information as possible, rather than focusing on something other than the person in the conversation. 

 

Friendly Persuasion: How To Get The Things You Want And Need

Life is made up of wants and needs. Whether we get our hands on those wants and needs depends on how good we are at convincing others to give them to us. But no one gives out anything without a convincing reason. That’s where your powers of friendly persuasion come in.

 

People generally gravitate towards friendly people. So, if you learn how to come across as nice and trustworthy, then you’ll be able to win over even the most difficult of people.

 

Yet, remember that persuasion is a skill that needs to be honed and perfected. To help you get started, we rounded up five persuasive strategies you can use to get the things you want and need.

 

Be Confident

 

When you talk with poise, you give off the message that you’re convinced of your idea and know that you’re going to get your way. This subconsciously influences the other party to just give you what you want.

 

According to a study done by the University of Leicester, ‘the single significant behavioral difference between persuaders and persuadees was in the expression of confidence.’

In other words, your ability to persuade people starts with your level of assertiveness. In other words, the more confidence you exude, the more powerful your appeal will be.

 

The great thing about confidence is that it’s easy to fake. If you just act confident, the person in front of you won’t be able to tell whether it’s real or made up. So, take a deep breath, stick out your chin, and show them what you’ve got!

 

Just make sure you don’t oversell it. You might come across as arrogant and cocky, which is a big turnoff for most people.

 

Start with a Logical Argument

 

Generally, people are persuaded by logic. Once they’re convinced that something is the right thing for them to do, then they’ll do it without question.

 

Say you’re trying to convince a co-worker to help you out with a pile of work. Their first reaction will be to resist and probably claim they have their own pile of endless files to deal with.

 

Nevertheless, if you use logical reasoning, you may be able to convince them that they’re the best person to help you.

 

You can also tell them that by working together, both of you will finish faster, which will make both of you earn points with the boss and help the company get projects done at a quicker rate.

 

Choose Your Words

 

It’s no secret that some words have more positive connotations than others. Those are the ones you want to use to win over your argument because they have a higher value than others.

 

They can go a long way in helping you persuade people to see your point of view and help you get what you want.

 

For example, ‘reasonable’ sounds much better than ‘okay,’ and a ‘lucrative’ deal makes it sound so much more exciting than simply a ‘good’ deal.

 

Now, we’re not suggesting you memorize a bunch of bulky words and stuff them in your conversation. All we’re merely saying is that you should put in a bit of effort to arrange your sentences for the best possible outcome.

 

For starters, you’ll come across as a skilled communicator. Not only that, but you’ll also sound more intelligent, coherent, and attentive—all of which make you more trustworthy and, ultimately, more persuasive.

 

That’s the power of rhetoric.

 

Highlight How the Other Person Can Benefit

 

Not only do people gravitate towards friendly people who make logical arguments, but they also need to benefit from whatever it is they’re doing.

 

Here’s another example:

 

Imagine that you’re trying to convince your friends to help you move. Of course, their first reaction would be to run for the hills. No one likes all the hassle and headache of moving.

 

But, if you tell them that you’ll have fun sorting through all your old stuff and that you’ll probably give some of your old things away, they may reconsider. You can also tell them that you’re getting pizza and drinks afterward, and they’ll be all in!

 

Use Subtle Flattery

 

You need to be savvy when using this tactic because it can be a bit tricky to master. Not enough flattery and the other party won’t have time to take it in.

 

On the other hand, too much flattery will come across as too blunt or pushy. Then, the other person will quickly catch on and they’ll feel like you’re bribing them with ill-appropriate remarks. Of course, this means you won’t get what you want.

 

Instead, give them sincere, well-thought-out compliments that boost their self-confidence and make them feel good about themselves. As a result, they’ll be more willing to listen to you and give you what you want.

 

5 Tips for More Effective Conflict Resolution

Conflicts are bound to happen, whether at home, at work, or in between. Unfortunately, what can start as something trivial can quickly escalate to something much more serious in a matter of minutes.

 

That’s why it pays to know how to effectively resolve any conflict you find yourself in. This way, you can create some healthy boundaries and balance your emotions without creating unnecessary stress and anxiety.

 

Here are five tips for more effective conflict resolution that will help you out of any jam. Take a look.

 

Tip #1: Find the Source of the Conflict

 

The first step in conflict resolution is to identify the source of the problem. Once you identify the issue, you can start taking the right measures toward fixing it.

 

On the other hand, if you carry on without knowing exactly why you’re feeling the way you do, you’ll be angry and all worked up without really knowing why.

 

So, while it may seem like a waste of time at first, if you think about it, you can’t solve any problem unless you first find the source of the problem.

 

Here’s another way of looking at it:

 

When you identify the root cause of the issue, everyone involved can help strive towards not repeating the same thing in the future.

 

Tip #2: Find a Quiet and Safe Place to Talk

 

Once you understand the underlying causes of the conflict, it’s time to bring in the other person if you haven’t already. The thing about conflict is that you have to nip it in the bud and address it in a timely manner, so it doesn’t manifest into something bigger over time.

 

Remember that there’s nothing wrong with having a difference of opinion every now and then. Yet, it’s how you communicate that makes all the difference in the world!

 

However, we’ve all been in similar situations and it can be daunting to try and engage in this type of discourse. Yet, you have to muster up the courage and just start because the sooner you deal with it, the better the outcome will be.

 

Tip #3: Actively Listen

 

Active listening plays a big role in determining the way your conflict resolution proceeds. So, you have to be patient when it’s the other person’s turn to speak.

 

Write down any rebuttals that pop into your head to avoid interrupting them.

 

Show that you respect the other person’s emotions and point of view. This way, they’ll make it a point to try and do the same when it’s your turn to speak.

 

Tip #4: Point Out Ways to Solve the Problem

 

After each person has had their chance to talk and listen, the next step is to try and find some sort of middle ground that both parties can agree on.

 

You’ll probably need a pen and paper or a board to write down your ideas. Then start brainstorming.

 

Write out all the ideas that come, even the crazy ones. Those are usually the ones that lead to an effective end to the problem.

 

Although, there’s one critical thing to always remember when working to resolve any conflict, and that’s to only focus on the issue at hand and not the person.

 

This will help make the other person feel safe enough to start finding ways to solve the issue, rather than always be on the defensive or feel like they’re constantly being judged.

 

Tip #5: Agree on the Best Solution

 

Finding common ground can be easier said than done. It requires each party to own up to their part of the conflict.

 

Not only that, but it also means they have to put in the effort of looking for a suitable compromise. Plus, they have to take the necessary steps to resolve it and make sure it doesn’t happen again.

 

That can only take place once all parties have set clear expectations while respecting the other person’s differences. Also, it’s helpful to think of conflict as an opportunity to grow. When it’s managed properly, it can bring great insight and help you become more attuned to your needs and the needs of those around you.

 

The good news is that after opening up communication lines, taking the time to listen, and collaborating on solutions, it’s all downhill from there. It becomes easier to establish neutral ground where everyone feels comfortable speaking and sharing ideas.

 

You Can Communicate Your Feelings Without Upsetting Others—Here’s How

Have you ever held back on saying something because you didn’t want to upset someone? There’s always a point where you internally debate whether or not to open up or say something, and it’s vital that you take that moment to decide to go forth and communicate. It’s not about avoiding upsetting people but rather about being confident in yourself and your feelings. You’re allowed to feel a certain way, and in order to communicate those feelings, start with these X tips. 

 

1. Understand Yourself Fully First

 

If you start a conversation off with anger or frustration or something else that fuels you to confront someone, chances are you will upset them. Instead, take some time to understand yourself first. Then, when you decide to communicate your feelings, you’ll have a clear headspace, and you’ll be ready to discuss maturely. 

 

2. Decide What to Communicate and What Not to Communicate

 

Some things are best kept to yourself. That doesn’t mean repressing them, but if you get annoyed at your friend for going shopping too often, that’s more of a personal problem than a problem you should voice. Before you jump into a conversation, delineate between the things you should discuss and the things you shouldn’t discuss. 

 

3. Think About Who You Trust

 

Opening up about emotions and vulnerability means you are ready to talk to someone about something serious. But that doesn’t mean you trust the person. You may feel vulnerable and just want a listening ear, but if you’re opening up to someone you don’t trust, you could get yourself into trouble. Make sure the person you’re speaking to is someone you trust – and someone who cares about you! 

 

4. Be Caring

 

There’s nothing good about a conversation that spirals into a heated discussion or anger-fueled debate. Be caring and empathetic with your words. Remember that at the end of the day, the person you’re communicating with is a human just like you. They deserve the respect you’d like to be treated with. The golden rule may seem outdated, but it should always be in the back of your mind – especially when you’re opening up in a feely discussion. 

 

5. Be Independent

 

It seems counterintuitive to think about being independent when you’re opening up to someone, but it’s a big component of a healthy discussion. Despite your relationship with this person, you are you. You need to be responsible for your feelings and actions, and you need to understand that no one is responsible for making you feel a certain way other than yourself. 

5 Steps to Effectively Communicate Your Feelings in Relationships

In relationships, there’s communication, and then there’s effective communication. Communication is something that takes a lot of work, and once you’ve successfully positioned yourself as a communicator, the next step is to crack the code at being an effective communicator. If you’re at that step, try these 5 mini steps to help you along with effectively communicating your feelings. 

 

1. Allow Yourself to Feel 

 

Going into a conversation with guilt or apprehension about your feelings? That won’t help you or your partner. You’re completely allowed to feel whatever you’re feeling, and you’re also allowed to talk about those feelings. 

 

2. Label your Feelings

 

You’re experiencing these feelings, but are you reading more into them? Are you labeling them and trying to put into context the essence of your emotions? It’s not easy to do, but it’s a really important exercise for you to do on your own before opening up and sharing with someone else. 

 

3. Start with Yourself

 

If you’re extroverted or you like talking about your feelings a lot, your first inclination may be to talk it out with your significant other. That’s a great thing to do, but it begins with you. You’ll have a hard time processing everything if you’re influenced by someone else’s insight or advice. Start with yourself, and then work your way up to a discussion with your partner. 

 

4. Remember How Much You Matter

 

You matter to your significant other; your feelings matter to your significant other. Keep this in mind and try to negate the potential fear or hesitation you may be experiencing. Swap those feelings for feelings of confidence and security in the strength of your relationship. 

 

5. Swap “You” for “I”

 

Whenever you get close to saying “You made me feel” or “You did this,” swap it for a personal statement. A conversation is helpful for you to share your perspective – not for you to point fingers at your loved one. Think about how you feel, why you feel that way, and what has happened to contribute to those feelings. 

 

Above all, when you’re entering into a conversation with your significant other, be happy that you’re taking this step. It’s excellent for you and even better for your relationship. Give yourself (and your partner) a pat on the back for working through something difficult, and keep yourself reminded of the light at the end of the communication tunnel – a happy, healthy dynamic between you and your partner. 

 

The 2/1 Communication Secret to Become More Charming

Charming is a word that has different meanings for different people. The word charisma is often brought to mind. When you think of someone as charming, you may feel that person is desirable and delightful, pleasant and appealing, maybe even magnetizing. 

 

Often times you won't be able to put your finger on exactly what draws you to that person. You just know you feel pleasant in their company and enjoy being around them.

 

Do you want to be more like that? Could you advance your career if you learned how to turn on the charm when dealing with others? It's an important skill that socially graceful people use to improve their relationships. Even when interacting with people they don't necessarily like or respect, a charming person can leave a good impression.

 

If you'd like to communicate more effectively and have people refer to you as charming and likable, there's one very simple thing you need to start doing. By the way, this doesn't take much practice. You are already physically hardwired to give off a more friendly, charming, and engaging vibe.

 

You just have to do a little basic math.

 

How Many Ears Do You Have? How Many Mouths?

 

Don't worry. You don't have to break out the calculator here. Just perform a simple math-based assumption.

 

You have 2 ears that are always open.

You only have 1 mouth, and it can be closed.

 

That should tell you what you were created to do more often. You should be listening much more than talking. The charming person is an excellent listener. 

 

She doesn't do it falsely. She asks many questions and uses facial expressions to show she's interested in the person talking. She listens deeply and can repeat things that have been told to her. Those are charming qualities.

 

As writer Eugene O'Neill stated ...

 

"We were given mouths that close and ears that don't ... that should tell us something."

 

Ancient philosopher Epictetus gave us the same lesson for being more charming.

 

"We have two ears and one mouth, so we can listen twice as much as we speak."

 

Being Charming Is All About Listening

 

Talking is an important part of being charming. You have to say the right things. You should also be genuine. People can tell when you're false and trying to manipulate them. So really care about the person you're talking to. Say pleasant things and think about the experience for the other person rather than yourself.

 

Then listen deeply. Get into the conversation, so when you decide to talk, you repeat things the person has said. You let them know you're truly listening and getting into the feelings and emotions being relayed. You were given two ears and only one mouth, and that mouth can close. So do at least two times more listening than talking if you want to be more charming and engaging.

 

7 Tips for Restoring Your Self-Worth After a Toxic Relationship

Well, that didn’t go right.

 

We walk into a relationship with so much enthusiasm. We think what we’ve found is the best thing in the world, which is a heady feeling for while it lasts. Sadly, when a relationship is toxic, we’re frequently the last to know. By the time we escape, our self-worth has already taken a hefty blow. 

 

So, how do you restore positive feelings about yourself after a toxic relationship?

 

Release Your Victimhood

 

The more you focus on what happened, the more you get stuck, so the sooner you can quit revisiting the past and dwelling on perceptions of ill treatment, the sooner you’re going to put all this behind you. This doesn’t mean to say this was your fault, but obsessing about the ‘shoulds’ and going back over every encounter is only going to hurt you regardless of whether you were in the right or not.

 

Drop the Blame

 

Was it your fault? Not. The sooner you can let go of any residual guilt or bad feelings about the relationship, the happier you’ll be. The next step should help.

 

Silence Their Voice 

 

The problem with toxic relationships is you tend to believe what the other person said about you, no matter how outlandish it seemed at the time. Now their voice is there, lurking in your head to remind you of all your so-called shortcomings at every opportunity—time to tell them to shut up once and for all.

 

Embrace the New You

 

Find joy in being single. Spoil yourself. Do that thing you always wanted to do. Take lessons, build your skill set as you build yourself up. Become your own best friend in a way that doesn’t require validation from any outside source.

 

Believe Your Friends 

 

You hear the compliments, but they’re going in one ear and out the other. Rather than brush off the nice things, people around you are saying, start listening. Listening until these words become a part of who you are.

 

Create Goals You Love

 

What would you like to do with your life? Too often, our goals reflect the needs and desires around us. Now is the time to reverse this. Accepting you are capable, and your goals are worth fighting for, what do YOU want to do? 

 

Affirmations

 

Work through the worst offenders of negative self-talk through positive affirmations. Take note of what you’re telling yourself. Rewrite the script and turn these statements around into affirmations that you read to yourself every day.

 

Remember, this is a process and is likely to take time. By reminding yourself of just how amazing you are, and focusing hard on these steps, eventually, you will start feeling the difference even if you don’t see it yet. Hang in there!

 

The 7 Keys for Improving Relationships

 

Human life is full of moments with people. These are people we build relationships with. And relationships aren’t just confined to people who are actually related to us—we can have a relationship with anyone we interact with. And it is because of this ubiquitous nature of human relationships that we constantly strive to improve them. In fact, when we are improving our relationships with people, we are actually improving ourselves. If we are looking for personal development, this is one of the most concrete ways to go about it.

 

Whatever the type of relationship may be, however simple or however complex, its enhancement basically boils down to the following simple keys.

 

Commitment

 

For your relationship to blossom, commitment is an important prerequisite. You have to commit to the other person in terms of your thoughts, your words, your expressions and you have to show it to them by investing time in them and putting in the right efforts to grow your relationship.

 

Freedom

 

You shouldn’t bind the people you are in a relationship with. Just as you want your freedom, the other person wants their freedom too. Respect that and you will find the relationship going forward.

 

Respect

 

You need to respect the other person’s feelings and emotions, likes and dislikes, wants and desires and so on. Respect them for what they are, for what they stand for and do not expect them to change for you.

 

Support

 

Being in a relationship means supporting each other. You have to help them in their aspirations and in their joys and sorrows. This will only get back to you—if you support the person you have a relationship with, they are going to support you too.

 

Equality

 

No one is higher than the other when they have a relationship. At least, you shouldn’t harbor such feelings in your mind. If you are connected with a person for some reason, then you need to think of them as equal to you. You need them just as much as they need you.

 

Resolving Conflicts

 

It is not that everything will be hunky-dory always in your relationship. There will be conflicts. You will argue; you will have alterations. But, when you are fostering a relationship with someone, it is essential that you resolve all these conflicts with them in a constructive manner, without demeaning each other and through fruitful discussion.

 

Trust

 

If you want the people you are in a relationship with to trust you, then you need to trust them first. Trust is the foundation on which a relationship is built.

 

Top 5 Relationship Killers that You Must Avoid

 

Relationships are made and broken all around us. At such times, we become apprehensive about our own relationships. We try to protect what we cherish the most. We try to look at ways and means how we can keep our relationship flame burning. However, at the same time, we don’t realize that there are things we may do that can destroy a beautiful relationship. Actually speaking, it is these things—which are mostly behavioral traits—that we need to avoid.

 

Possessiveness

 

It is good to be a little possessive about your partner, but if you are too possessive, then it can only backfire. You shouldn’t, for example, hog all of their free time. You shouldn’t be jealous of the other people they move around with. Give them their life to live; if you are confident about them, you will always remain the most important person in their life.

 

Restrictions

 

Too often, in a relationship, we tend to make people act in the way we want them to act. We tell them to avoid doing certain things they like and do certain things they detest. This is restrictive behavior. If you put yourself in their place, you will find that this kind of behavior can be stifling. A time may come when your partner eventually snaps and walks out.

 

Asking for Change

 

You need to realize that your partner is a different person. They have been brought up in a different way from you and they have a personality that is different from yours. You shouldn’t want them to become like you; it is best if they remain the person they were when you first decided to have a relationship with them. Even if your partner is willing to change, it will be unacceptable to them as well as you.

 

Complacency

 

When you are in a relationship, you have certain obligations. You need to do a few special things keeping your partner in mind. It is not just about remembering their birthday and showering them with gifts, but you also have to give them a good ear when they want it, a shoulder to cry on when they are looking for one and a motivational word when they need it. You cannot let your relationship grow all by itself; it won’t.

 

Competition

 

Even within the staunchest of relationships, there is always an element of skepticism. You shouldn’t do anything to aggravate that feeling. For example, it is best not to be too friendly to other people if your partner is feeling threatened by them. Casual banter is all right, but you need to draw the line with your other people when you are in a relationship with someone.