How Does People Pleasing Hurt Us?

Maybe you've recently discovered that you are a people pleaser. What is so wrong with that? You like to make others happy! 

 

The truth is, people-pleasing is a damaging behavior for several reasons. Keep reading to learn more about the dangers of people-pleasing and how it may be hurting you. 

 

People Pleasing Can Damage Your Physical Health

 

When you take on risks and activities you aren't comfortable with just to make someone else happy, you are being a people-pleaser. These risks and activities can lead to physical damage.

 

Here is a question, have you ever gotten hurt doing something stupid to impress somebody? Yeah, don't worry - we all have.  

 

You Can Damage Your Mental Health

 

Besides your physical health, your mental health is in jeopardy when you constantly people-please. As a people pleaser, you often don't make enough time to care for yourself, and self-care is essential for maintaining mental health. When you disregard your mental health for too long, this can cause serious conditions like burnout and depression. 

 

You May Get Into a Toxic Relationship

 

People pleasers don't know how to say no, and sadly, there are people out there that will take advantage of this fact. Namely - toxic people who like to control others. Toxic relationships are unhealthy, as they frequently contain mental - or even physical - abuse.

 

It is extremely difficult to leave toxic relationships, so difficult in fact that many people don't get out soon enough. If you are a constant people-pleaser, you will find it harder to spot (and listen to) the signs indicating someone is toxic. 

 

You Won't Be As Successful

 

In addition to all the physical and mental damage, people-pleasing can cause, it also keeps you from achieving your dreams. You are so focused on saying yes to others and making them happy that you put what you need to do on the backburner. This means that someday you could come to realize you are working a job that you hate in a city you hate—all because you couldn't say no and tell others that you needed to focus on yourself. 

 

As you can see, being a people pleaser is quite dangerous all around. It hurts your physical and mental health and keeps you from success. So if you want to live a happy and healthy life filled with success, it's time to stop being a people pleaser right away. 

What are Personal Boundaries and Why We Need Them

You’ve probably heard the phrase before, but maybe you’re unsure what it means. Just what ARE personal boundaries, and what difference do they make in your life?

 

To understand a personal boundary, you have to understand what a boundary is. Let’s start at the dictionary and go from there:

 

bound·a·ry (noun)

a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.

 

Most boundaries are pretty easy to see. The world is full of fences and dividers, clearly marking off space. A personal boundary does the same thing – only on a more invisible and internal level. Let’s look at this on a little closer.

 

What are boundaries?

 

1. A boundary tells you what your responsibility is in a given situation. You already have some boundaries at work or school. These are the parameters of your job or your responsibility as a student and usually are marked out pretty clearly when you took the job or where enrolled. On a personal level, a boundary tells you who you’re responsible for (yourself of course, but you might also be a caregiver). But what about your other responsibilities such as paying your bills, or taking care of your pets?

 

2. A boundary keeps you safe. Many of these should go without saying – such as abstaining from drinking and driving. But sometimes you have to set some such boundaries for yourself. Such as whether or not it’s healthy to be in a relationship with a certain individual.

 

3. A boundary tells us who we are.  Are you a good person? A bad person? A selfish person? A pious one? Our moral code becomes the boundary that defines us.

 

4. A boundary clarifies your needs. What things need to be in place in your life for you to be happiest and healthiest? What protects you for overwork or abuse?

 

5. A boundary defines your relationships. What are the parameters of your relationship? Is that healthy? What is your responsibility to that other person? How are they responsible for you?

 

With all that, it makes sense that having strong boundaries is a good idea. Especially when you take into consideration these facts:

 

Boundaries…

 

…give you a better idea of who you are

…help others to understand your needs

…give guidelines in your relationships

…make for healthy interactions with other people

 

And perhaps most important of all, they are an integral part of self-care.

 

As a side note remember this: Boundaries need to be revisited occasionally and re-evaluated. As we grow and change, our boundaries will change as well. 

 

With all this at stake, it’s no wonder we give boundaries such a lot of attention. Boundaries can mean the difference between a happy and healthy life and a life of drudgery and resentment. 

 

Is it time to learn where to draw the line?

 

Top 3 Ways to Boost Your Imagination

As you age, it can be disheartening to realize that you are no longer as imaginative as you once were. This realization can leave you wondering how you can boost your imagination to be more creative. The good news is, there are several ways to boost your imagination, the top three of which are listed below. 
 
Read
 
People often associate reading with learning and thus view the activity as work or some sort of burden. But the reality is, reading a fiction or fantasy book is an amazing way to boost your creativity. You often have to use your imagination to picture the scenes and characters from the book, which you don't do in your regular life. If you can't find an adult fantasy book, don't be afraid to check out another fiction genre. You might find your new favorite book!
 
Daydream
 
When you were a kid, was the teacher always telling you to stop daydreaming? While this may have helped you focus better in math class, it wasn't good for your developing imagination! 
 
This reason is why you should get back into daydreaming as an adult. You can sit on the couch and wonder what your life would be like if it were different, or even spend your time visualizing your goals working out just the way you want to! Either way, the activity of picturing something that isn't in your real life will boost your imagination tremendously!
 
Do Something Creative
 
Now that you've learned how to boost your imagination by sitting on the couch, it's important to know that you can also boost your imagination by doing something creative. If you aren't sure where to start, consider taking an art class at your local community center. It doesn't matter what type of art it is, just that you take the time to create something from your thoughts truly! You can also work on building a garden in your yard or even writing your own book—both of these activities are creative and will get your imagination flowing!
 
Whether you want to be more imaginative when achieving your goals or get back something you lost, boosting your imagination can be a fun and relaxing activity. All you need to do to boost your imagination is to read more, spend some time daydreaming, and commit to doing something creative. Before you know it, you will imagine an all-new life for yourself filled with wonder beyond anything you thought possible!

Top 5 Benefits of a Healthy Imagination

Many people think that a healthy imagination isn’t part of a successful life, but this couldn’t be farther from the truth. Below are the top 5 reasons that you should work to have a healthy imagination—no matter where you may be in your life. 

 

You Will Get Further In Your Career

 

Think of that one coworker that everyone, including your boss, hates. Are they very imaginative? Probably not. Having a healthy imagination is a huge part of propelling you forward in your career as it helps you problem solve and shows your boss that you have initiative. Not only that, it can help you to enjoy your career more as you will be able to imagine where you are going with it! 

 

Imagination Leads to Passion

 

If you feel as if you aren't passionate about anything and that there isn't anything on this earth you could be passionate about, your problem isn't passion. It's the lack of imagination. Imagination helps you get excited about things that may or may not happen, which makes you passionate about activities in your life. 

 

Imagination Stimulates Innovation

 

Is there something in your life that you wish you could change? Well, without a healthy imagination, you will probably never be able to change it. This is because imagination helps your mind innovate to find solutions to problems that may exist in your personal or professional life. It can lead to all sorts of amazing possibilities as you innovate your world to suit your dreams. 

 

Imagination Helps You Cope

 

There is no way around it. Sometimes life isn't fun. If you don't have a good imagination, you may find yourself getting stuck in a rut every time something bad happens in your life. Imagination helps propel you forward and keep you thinking positively even when the future seems grim. 

 

You Use Imagination to Design Your Future

 

Do you have a hard time picturing where you will end up? This is probably because you don't have a healthy imagination. Using your imagination is a critical part of finding goals you want to pursue and being able to visualize them to motivate yourself to work towards them! Without imagination, you may find yourself stuck in the present. 

 

Regardless of where you want to end up in life, it is very clear that a healthy imagination needs to be part of your journey. This is why you should commit to boosting your imagination sooner rather than later. 

How to Stop Yourself from Sabotaging Your Own Success

When you sabotage your own success, you are using action or inaction that will undermine your progress and prevent you from accomplishing your goals. You will be hindering your own success. 

 

Some people may undermine their good intentions and defeat their long-term goals. If you take destructive steps like this, it can have a negative impact on almost every part of your life, including your career and relationships. 

 

This article will discuss self-sabotage and teach you ways to stop yourself from sabotaging your own success in life. 

Why Do People Develop Self-Sabotaging Behaviors?

 

There are various reasons why people may thwart their own progress. The causes can range from effects of prior relationships to issues experienced in childhood. Other reasons include coping problems and low self-esteem.

 

Self-sabotage may serve as a temporary coping mechanism for dealing with past traumas and stressful situations. However, it usually makes those problems even harder to deal with, and limits someone’s ability to move beyond them. 

How Can You Stop Yourself from Sabotaging Your Own Success?

 

You can overcome your self-sabotaging problems and replace them with self-confidence, with practice. Here are some tips to stop yourself from sabotaging your own success:

1. Recognize the Behaviors You Use to Sabotage Yourself

 

If you want to stop self-sabotaging, you must recognize the behaviors that sabotage you. Think about goals you may have had for years but have not yet accomplished. Are there areas where you put off making decisions? Do you suffer from a lack of motivation, in minor things as well as important things?

2. Understand Emotions that Lead to Self-Sabotaging Behaviors

 

Behaviors that cause you to sabotage your own success often stem from feelings of anger, anxiety, or worthlessness. Try to manage those emotions, so you won’t commit yourself to any behaviors that will have negative consequences. Check for warning signs of anxiety or anger before they can get out of control.

3. Change Unhelpful Thoughts, Emotion, and Behaviors

 

As you discover negative thoughts and emotions that trigger your self-sabotage behavior, challenge them. If you change one of those aspects, you can change the others more easily.

4. Develop Behaviors that Support You and Your Goals

 

After you identify and begin defeating the false thoughts and emotions that lead to self-sabotaging behavior, you can then begin rebuilding your confidence and self-esteem. 

5. Challenge All of Your Excuses

 

Pay attention to all the excuses you’ve developed when you don’t reach a goal, or when you fail in some way. Usually, the excuses are made to cope with your pain of failing. 

6. Don’t Feed Your Fears Anymore

 

Fears will not go away all by themselves, simply by your pretending they’re not there, or by pushing them to the side. If you don’t attend to fears, they grow stronger. Challenge your fears and see if they’re real and take actions to reduce fears wherever you can. 

7. Learn From Each of Your Mistakes

 

You’re probably the only one who sees yourself as a failure, but many people see themselves in the same way. Everyone will make mistakes – at home and in their professional life. Learn from those mistakes, rather than dwelling on them or burying them. 

8. Understand Your Limits

 

Don’t take on many things at once that you don’t have the capacity, control, or capabilities to handle. You can go after more than one objective, but don’t take on more than you can accomplish. Know what your limits are and stay within them. 

Final Thoughts

 

When you sabotage your own success, it makes life more challenging than it needs to be. There is a great deal of pressure in your life, which can translate into anxiety or stress in your career position and your relationships. 

 

Embrace your capabilities and your potential to be successful, and don’t let doubts or negative emotions keep you from becoming everything you desire to be. 

Breaking Bad Habits: A Practical Guide To Positive Change

Why is it so difficult to overcome bad habits when we know we may harm ourselves or others? For example, we know about the health risks associated with smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol excessively, and overeating. 

 

Our families, friends, and others are impacted by secondhand smoke and the effects of alcoholism. We want to give up our bad habits, but the short-term pleasure makes quitting or changing habits challenging. This article will explore the psychology that causes us to form habits and how to make positive changes to break bad habits.

 

About Habits

Our repetitive actions become habitual and are a normal part of the human state. Habits can be beneficial, such as taking a shower or exercising. On the other hand, regular use of illegal drugs, for example, can become a bad habit. Habits can also form when pleasurable things prompt the brain’s “reward” center, leading to unhealthy routines like gambling or overeating.

 

Eventually, the habit becomes an automatic behavior without consciously thinking about it, and it can be difficult to stop. Developing new habits is challenging since the brain retains automatic behavior. 

 

Still, you can eliminate bad habits with patience and commitment by trying the following practical strategies for positive change.

 

Identify Your Bad Habits and Triggers: List the habits you want to change to improve your well-being. Don’t try to change all your habits at once. Instead, choose the highest priority habit that you want to change and focus on it. This will increase your chances of success.

 

Think about what triggers the habit and explore options for avoiding it. For example, assume that you are stressed after work each day and find that drinking alcohol helps you to relax. However, you’ve gotten into the habit of drinking excessively and are concerned about your health. 

 

In that case, you can learn techniques such as meditation to help you relax. Ensure that you take short breaks during the workday to practice meditation. This will help you to cope with stress better. After work, when you feel the urge for a drink, substitute it with exercise, such as a brisk walk to help you unwind.

 

Your goal is to reduce or remove the trigger and substitute the bad habit with a good one.

 

Accept Discomfort: Changing habits is complex and can make you anxious and agitated. Recognize that these are normal feelings; they are temporary and will diminish with time. If you feel discomfort, do something that relaxes you; it’s a distraction and will help you to feel better. Consider going for a walk, reading, playing a game, or taking a short nap.

 

Adopt a Positive Mindset: We all have an inner voice and unconsciously have negative thoughts at times that are discouraging or detrimental to our well-being. You may think, “I can’t do this,” or “I’ll never kick this habit.” Be aware of these thoughts and replace them with positive self-talk such as “I can do this” or “I will do this.”

 

Be Kind to Yourself: You’re human; it’s essential to forgive yourself if you backslide while trying to break a habit. Give yourself credit for your efforts thus far. Rather than give up or put yourself down with negative self-talk, you can pick up where you left off and get back on track. Remember to be aware of scenarios that trigger the habit and either avoid or substitute the behavior with something positive.

 

Conclusion

When we repetitively practice behaviors, good or bad, those behaviors become habits. The habits that are bad for us are challenging to overcome. However, we can learn how to identify the triggers that make us indulge in our detrimental routines and then avoid the trigger or substitute it with positive behaviors such as exercise or enjoying a stroll in the park. 

 

Along the way, if we backslide, we must remain positive and persistent and keep trying. In the long run, by trying the preceding tips, you are taking a practical approach to making positive changes in your life.

References

https://newsinhealth.nih.gov/2012/01/breaking-bad-habits

 

https://www.psychologicalscience.org/observer/breaking-bad-habits

 

https://knowablemagazine.org/content/article/mind/2021/the-science-habits

 

The Balancing Act: Letting Go Of The Need To Control Everything And Finding Harmony

As chaotic as modern life can be, you can find balance. It's difficult to get it right, especially when you're trying to embrace life's spontaneity while also creating an efficient routine to maximize your time and opportunities. 

 

There's a big part of it that requires control, the problem is that the desire for too much control can stress you out and make you incredibly anxious. This need for too much control steeps you into a state of perpetual tension. Here, we talk about the balancing act and the art of letting go. 

 

Control is an Illusion 

 

Control is an illusion, it's the idea that you can dictate all of the outcomes throughout your life. There are, of course, certain things you can control. If you're getting a degree, license, or qualification in something, you can control the level of study you put in for the testing process. That's in your hands. 

 

Not everything is that simple, though, and the reality is most things in life are inherently unpredictable. So, the more you cling to this illusion of control, the more stressed out you become and the more frustrated and disappointed you feel when things don't go your way. Accept that there are limits to what you can control. 

 

Embrace the Uncertainty 

 

Some of the beauty of life lies in its unpredictability, some of the greatest moments of your life probably came from nowhere. Embrace that uncertainty, it might be a shift in your perspective, but it gives you the freedom to navigate new situations with more grace and patience. Don't resist change, don't avoid unpredictability, lean in, and recognize there's a chance for growth. 

 

Cultivate Mindfulness

 

Mindfulness is a useful tool and a powerful one in your journey to let go and find balance. By cultivating a level of mindfulness, you are detaching yourself from the desperate need to control everything. Focus on the present, find peace, and enjoy clarity in the here and now instead of getting caught up in the past or obsessing about the future. 

 

Identify Your Areas of Control 

 

As important as it is to understand how limited your control is, it's just as important to recognize your areas of control. When you understand what you can control, you can focus your efforts and energy on those areas to maximize that control. It also gives you a deep sense of empowerment, without the added burden of managing something that's unmanageable. 

 

The Process

 

While some people think letting go is showing weakness, the reality is it's recognition that you are human. Sometimes, you have to surrender to the process and let life do what it's going to do without trying to control every single detail. You can't micromanage, so don't bother trying!

 

The Joy of Imperfection 

 

There are two big issues that plague us – the need for control and perfectionism and they go hand-in-hand. When you embrace imperfection, you're letting go of control – you're letting go of the idea that everything needs to be flawless and freeing yourself from the unrealistic expectations society places on you. Find joy in those imperfections, that's where you can flourish. 

 

Embrace Self-Compassion 

 

Self-compassion is the final piece of the puzzle because you can't let go and find balance without it. You need to recognize that it's okay that you don't have it all figured out, that it's okay if you're still making mistakes – it's all part of the human experience. `Treat yourself with kindness in those moments of uncertainty. 

 

Final Thoughts

 

There is a delicate balancing act between leaning into life and letting go of control. You have to make a conscious effort to loosen your grip on those reins, but in doing so, you will finally be able to find harmony in life! The biggest secret out there is you'll find harmony in this moment, which means letting go and enjoying every moment for what it is. 

 

Forgiveness As Liberation: The Art Of Letting Go Of Resentment

Everyone has experienced conflict and hurt from other’s words or conduct. Suppose a co-worker got credit for your work, or you were bullied as a child. Incidents such as these leave you feeling resentful, bitter, and angry long-term if not resolved. Unresolved resentment can have a significant impact on your health.

 

“There is an enormous physical burden to being hurt and disappointed,” says Karen Swartz, M.D., director of the Mood Disorders Adult Consultation Clinic, Johns Hopkins Hospital. Chronic resentment can affect blood pressure, heart rate, and immune response, raising the risk of heart disease, depression, and other conditions.

 

On a positive note, forgiveness helps to calm your stress level, resulting in better physical and mental health.

 

Why Do We Feel Resentment?

 

When someone hurts us, we may feel a range of negative emotions such as sadness, hostility, or even hatred. When we don’t let go and forgive, we are consumed with those pessimistic feelings, affecting our self-esteem and well-being. If you are suffering from chronic resentment, you can learn to be forgiving; forgiving is a choice.

 

What is Forgiveness?

 

Psychologists commonly define forgiveness as “A conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.” 

 

Bear in mind that you can forgive without denying or forgetting the wrongdoing against you. You are not required to mend a bad relationship or release others from legal liability. 

 

How to Forgive

 

Choose Forgiveness

 

First, you need to decide whether you choose to forgive. While you don't have to forgive, it is to your benefit to do so. Research by the Annals of Behavioral Medicine shows that increased forgiveness decreases perceived stress and improves mental and physical health.

 

Leverage the Power of Positive Thinking

The effect of negative thinking and feelings is unhappiness. In order to heal, be consciously aware when you’re burdened with pessimistic thoughts. Use positive self-talk to replace the distressing thoughts. For example, you may want to retaliate against the person who hurt you. Remind yourself that you will be fair with that person and that you will not mirror their harmful actions.

 

Change Your Perspective

Think about the other person to understand their actions better. Was the person hurt by others or mistreated? Is the person going through a difficult time? That person may be in pain, struggling with chronic resentment, affecting their behavior with others. Look at the person with a compassionate perspective to gain insight. You don’t need to excuse the person, but you can forgive and move forward.

 

Acknowledge and Accept Your Pain

Recognize the hurt you’re feeling; don’t avoid it. Explore the emotions you’re experiencing and accept the pain. Psychology Today reports “Pain is actually a necessary part of happiness, and research shows that it can lead to pleasure in several ways.” For example, pain helps you recognize happiness; otherwise, you wouldn’t recognize it as happiness. Also, relief from pain is pleasurable and increases your happiness.

 

Conclusion

When someone hurts us, we may have a difficult time letting go of the feelings of resentment. Chronic resentment harms our well-being in many ways. On the other hand, forgiveness frees us from negative emotions, calms our stress levels, and brings us peace of mind. While we don’t have to deny or forget the offense against us, letting go of resentment and practicing forgiveness is liberating and necessary for optimal wellness.

"I think the first step is to understand that forgiveness does not exonerate the perpetrator. Forgiveness liberates the victim. It's a gift you give yourself." - T.D. Jakes

 

References

https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it

 

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/forgiveness/definition#what-is-forgiveness

 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5055412/

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201511/5-reasons-you-have-accept-pain-if-you-want-be-happy#:~:text=But%20pain%20is%20actually%20a,t%20recognize%20it%20as%20happiness