The Art of Listening: Hearing Beyond Words

True listening is becoming a rare gift in our noisy world. Most of us are so busy formulating responses that we miss what's actually being said – and more importantly, what's being felt.

 

Deep listening goes beyond hearing words. It's attending to tone, emotion, and the stories beneath the stories. It's noticing what someone struggles to express and creating space for their full truth to emerge.

 

The philosopher Simone Weil wrote: "Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity." When we truly listen, we offer another person perhaps the most precious gift possible: feeling heard and understood.

 

Good listening requires letting go of the urge to fix, advise, or judge. Sometimes people don't need solutions – they need witness. They need someone to simply receive their experience without trying to change it.

 

Listening also means hearing the silences. What is not being said? What emotions are hidden beneath surface words? Often, the most important communication happens in the pauses between sentences.

 

When we listen deeply, something transforms in both speaker and listener. The person speaking often discovers new insights about their own experience. The listener develops empathy and wisdom.

In a world hungry for connection, your capacity to truly listen might be one of the most healing gifts you can offer. 

Learn How to Trust Yourself from Others

Have you ever observed people who you felt were confident? They know what to do in most situations. Even when they don’t, they know how to find the answers. They never let problems get in their way. They always know how to talk to people. Their confidence is their power.

 

It’s likely these confident people trust themselves. It is impossible to have confidence when you don’t trust yourself. The confidence comes from an internal trust. It makes sense when you think about it.

 

If you don’t know too many people who are confident, try to learn about successful people. One great way to do this is to check out TED Talks. If you are not familiar with these, TED stands for Technology, Entertainment, and Design. It’s an organization that exists to spread ideas usually in video form. You can find many of these talks on YouTube.com. Just search for TED Talks. 

 

Many of these videos are short but with high impact. It’s unlikely you will find speakers that don’t have confidence. You can observe the speakers in the video and see how they speak. Also, observe their body language. Do they smile a lot? How do they engage with the audience?

 

Another source to draw inspiration is Amazon books. Read biographies of successful people. It’s a bit more difficult to find stories about confidence when reading through the biographies. That is because their stories may not be specifically about confidence. But, it usually resonates through the story. If nothing else, you will pick up on some inspiration from other areas along with confidence.

 

Look to take on a mentor. You will know when someone is right for you because you will both form a good relationship from the start. Mentors are people who trust themselves and have confidence. Otherwise, it’s unlikely you would pick those people to be your mentor. You can establish a formal mentor relationship, or you can just keep in contact with someone who you respect. 

 

You will naturally take on some positive attributes just by being in this relationship. However, it doesn’t hurt to observe how your mentor interacts with others and how they solve problems. 

 

When you observe or reach out to confident people, it will help you become more confident. You can see what you are doing wrong and make changes. When you become confident, lack of trust in yourself will be a thing of the past.

Knowing When to Take a Stand (and When Not to)

Getting involved in petty arguments will get you nowhere. It's a great way to stifle creativity and kill productivity. You see it happen in business meetings all the time.

 

One person pitches a certain approach. Someone else argues against that particular idea. Maybe a third person gets involved. An hour or more can be spent monopolizing the time of everyone in the room and little progress is made.

 

Sometimes this is the way you come up with great ideas.

 

It's a great brainstorming tactic. You get a bunch of smart minds in a room. They are allowed to throw out any ideas they have on a particular subject. Everything is recorded and eventually one of those ideas leads to a big success.

Other times it's the worst possible process.

 

Could Your Time Be Better Spent Doing Something Else?

 

Whenever you find yourself investing time in a discussion, ask yourself a simple question. "Should I be doing something else instead?"

 

This could be a discussion with yourself. You don't have to be talking to another person. We engage in silent self-talk all the time. It can be negative, repetitive and defeating if we're not careful.

 

If you're planning on chasing down a dream, pick your battles. Don't argue with yourself or with someone else needlessly. Before you know it you've invested a lot of time, emotion and mental energy that got you nowhere. Could you have made more progress and generated more positive energy doing something else instead?

 

This can help you create some really big wins in your life. You hear stories all the time about some huge achievement that started out small. In the beginning all that was present was a big idea.

 

The owner of that idea may not have had many resources or enough money to do much more than just get started. Time was at a premium, like it is for all of us. Eventually, with a focused vision and a lot of hard work, the big idea led to a big result.

 

Big Achievement Doesn't Happen without Efficient Time Management

 

The most important asset in your life is time. This is true in your personal and business lives. We are not guaranteed any amount of time, so respect that. Pick your battles. Know when to take a stand and when moving on makes more sense.

 

People who turn big thoughts into big realities understand this. They surrender a position to someone else when they know that stringing things out wouldn't be the most productive decision. Learn this in your own life and greater productivity can lead to greater results.

 

How Can I Stop Being a People Pleaser?

Have you recently come to realize that you are a people pleaser? Don't worry. This is a common revelation. But now that you've realized you are a people pleaser, it's time to stop being one for your own health and sanity. 

 

Below are some ways you can learn to stop being a people pleaser. 

 

Set Boundaries

 

The most important step to stopping your people-pleasing ways is to establish boundaries in your relationships. Of course, different relationships will have different boundaries, but they need to be there regardless. For example, if your significant other asks you to do something extra because they have a busy week ahead, this might be okay, but if your friend does this all the time, it might be time to draw the line. 

 

Take Small Steps

 

Chances are, you aren't going to stop being a people pleaser overnight. Being a people pleaser has probably been ingrained in your mind since you were young. Therefore, you should start small instead of changing everything at once. To begin with, you can set some simple boundaries that shouldn't offend anyone. For example, let someone know you aren't available during work hours. 

 

Set Goals For Yourself

 

It's important, as you stop being a people pleaser, that you have a clear direction for yourself to stop from sliding back into your people-pleasing ways. You should make goals of who you want to devote your time to and what you want to accomplish in life. It is common for people-pleasers to feel as if they need to please their parents to the point where they neglect their romantic relationships. If this sounds like you, your goal should be to devote more of your time to your significant other and less to your parents. 

 

Engage in Positive Self-Talk

 

People pleasers feel good about themselves when they do something nice for someone else, and as you leave your people-pleasing ways, you will likely be missing this positive reinforcement. This is why you need to create it for yourself. Every time you establish a boundary and keep it, tell yourself you did a good job and that you are doing something good for yourself—because it may not feel as good as people-pleasing does at first.

 

Overall, the road to leaving your people-pleasing ways isn't going to be without struggle. But if you use the above tips, you'll find that you are actually enjoying doing something for yourself rather than people-pleasing all the time. Before you know it, your people-pleasing days will be nothing but a distant memory. 

 

7 Reasons Why You Don’t Set Boundaries and How to Start

You’ve gotten roped into staying late at work. Again. Or you’ve committed to something that you didn't want to but felt you had to. Now you’re beating yourself up because you know you should have better boundaries, but you don’t seem to understand how to form them. What do you do?

 

First, you need to realize that having problems setting boundaries is normal. We have a lot of reasons why we don’t like setting boundaries:

 

1. Fear. The number one reason we don’t do anything is generally fear. When you don’t know what the outcome is going to be when you first set that boundary, it’s bound to be terrifying.

 

2. It would be selfish. After all, why should your needs come before anyone else’s?

 

3. Taking care of yourself is unusual. This point is an extension of the last one. Not only is self-care selfish, but it would take time and resources from caring for others. Forgetting of course, that we can’t take care of anyone if we don’t take care of ourselves first.

 

4. Someone’s going to get mad at you. Which of course will lead to conflict and maybe even a confrontation. You might find yourself thinking that setting a boundary in these situations is just not worth it. 

 

5. Doing it the other way is a habit. It might be that you’re used to being asked to stay late at work – every day. Now it’s a habit to stay. The problem is, habits are hard to break, which means setting that boundary doesn’t just involve putting your foot down but changing an entire way of thinking. 

 

6. There’s a price to pay for saying ‘no.’ If other people trample over your needs to get their own needs met, then when you do say no, you know there’s going to be a negative repercussion. And who needs that kind of commotion in your life?

 

7. It’s not all that important anyway. Is it? That has more to do with self-esteem than anything. And yes, your boundaries are just that important.

 

So how do you go about setting boundaries when that’s unusual for you?

 

• Start by asking for what you want – and be specific.

• Be open to compromise.

• Have an exit strategy if they say ‘no.’ What will you accept?

• Be ready emotionally for a negative response. Not everything will be a ‘yes.’

• Don’t take rejection personally.  

 

Boundaries don’t have to be terrifying. Understanding why you don’t set them is the first step toward establishing positive change. When you use what you know to set solid boundaries for yourself, you will discover peace and happiness that you never knew was even possible.

5 Strategies for Guarding Your Personal Boundaries

Imagine an invisible fence set around yourself, with a single gate that is shut and locked, with only you in possession of the key. How does that make you feel?

 

When we have good personal boundaries, then we’ve set a space around us that we control. We tell those around us they can go only so far, and no further. Not that we’re alone, but it’s up to us to open the gate, and we get to decide who comes in.

 

The problem is, the world has a way of pushing against that fence. There will always be people who want more of your time, more of your energy. More of you. Thankfully there are things you can do to guard those boundaries and keep them strong.

 

1. Identify your limits. It’s impossible to guard what you haven’t even defined. The trick here is to define those limits clearly and succinctly. For example, you might want to protect some time with your family. But a boundary too vague is impossible to protect. But by clarifying the goal down to “Saturday’s are family time” then you know what you’re protecting (time with your family). So, with things that do come up on Saturday which do not involve the family, it's suddenly not so difficult to say no. 

 

2. Be straightforward. Never let someone push your boundaries without your permission. And when it does happen, take direct and clear action immediately. Anytime your boundaries are threatened, it’s time to open a dialogue with the violator. That gives you the opportunity to verbally reset the boundary in a way that makes it clear to the other person that the boundary is there. 

 

3. Pay attention to your feelings. If you’re feeling like someone is violating your boundaries, ask yourself why. Go with your gut instinct here as you analyze your emotions. It’s very likely that what you’re sensing is a boundary violation that you need to address.

 

4. Speak up. When you feel like your boundaries are being violated, you need to say something. After all, the best guard challenges all intruders. Being assertive now will save you a lot of heartache and problems down the road later.

 

5. Remind yourself that you have a right to set boundaries. Sometimes our boundaries have grown weak because we don’t feel like we have a right to set them in the first place. Permitting yourself to set the boundary will immediately strengthen it again.

 

Guarding your boundaries is an important part of living a life that’s not only healthy and happy but meaningful. Self-confident, strong people have solid boundaries that they protect. Protecting your boundaries is probably one of the most effective tools you have toward realizing a happy and productive life.

What are Personal Boundaries and Why We Need Them

You’ve probably heard the phrase before, but maybe you’re unsure what it means. Just what ARE personal boundaries, and what difference do they make in your life?

 

To understand a personal boundary, you have to understand what a boundary is. Let’s start at the dictionary and go from there:

 

bound·a·ry (noun)

a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.

 

Most boundaries are pretty easy to see. The world is full of fences and dividers, clearly marking off space. A personal boundary does the same thing – only on a more invisible and internal level. Let’s look at this on a little closer.

 

What are boundaries?

 

1. A boundary tells you what your responsibility is in a given situation. You already have some boundaries at work or school. These are the parameters of your job or your responsibility as a student and usually are marked out pretty clearly when you took the job or where enrolled. On a personal level, a boundary tells you who you’re responsible for (yourself of course, but you might also be a caregiver). But what about your other responsibilities such as paying your bills, or taking care of your pets?

 

2. A boundary keeps you safe. Many of these should go without saying – such as abstaining from drinking and driving. But sometimes you have to set some such boundaries for yourself. Such as whether or not it’s healthy to be in a relationship with a certain individual.

 

3. A boundary tells us who we are.  Are you a good person? A bad person? A selfish person? A pious one? Our moral code becomes the boundary that defines us.

 

4. A boundary clarifies your needs. What things need to be in place in your life for you to be happiest and healthiest? What protects you for overwork or abuse?

 

5. A boundary defines your relationships. What are the parameters of your relationship? Is that healthy? What is your responsibility to that other person? How are they responsible for you?

 

With all that, it makes sense that having strong boundaries is a good idea. Especially when you take into consideration these facts:

 

Boundaries…

 

…give you a better idea of who you are

…help others to understand your needs

…give guidelines in your relationships

…make for healthy interactions with other people

 

And perhaps most important of all, they are an integral part of self-care.

 

As a side note remember this: Boundaries need to be revisited occasionally and re-evaluated. As we grow and change, our boundaries will change as well. 

 

With all this at stake, it’s no wonder we give boundaries such a lot of attention. Boundaries can mean the difference between a happy and healthy life and a life of drudgery and resentment. 

 

Is it time to learn where to draw the line?

 

5 Common Public Speaking Mistakes

Even though most people don’t enjoy public speaking, there are strategies to doing it well. You don’t have to be a professional speaker to make an impact on your audience. One way to feel most comfortable speaking in front of others is to recognize and avoid these top 5 mistakes.

1. Memorizing or reading your entire presentation. 

 

Your audience came to hear you speak to them - not read or deliver a rote, memorized performance. Your responsibility is to communicate with your audience, not at them. By treating your audience as if you were having a conversation in your living room, you will find that you are much more comfortable and in better control of your nervousness. 

2. Not knowing your material.

 

If you are not familiar with your words or how your speech or presentation is meant to flow, then you are likely to make more errors. Making a mistake or two is not the issue - making a lot of them is! 

3. Speaking too fast.

 

Controlling your speed is extremely important if you expect your audience to be able to understand what you are saying. Listening to someone move at 100 mph takes much more energy than listening to them at 75! Incidentally, talking at a furious pace saps your energy as well. 

4. Staring at an object on the wall. 

 

You should not focus your attention on a spot on the wall or above the heads of your audience. Look the audience in the eye. Make that contact with your listeners, and you will then be aware of their reaction to you. Remember, public speaking is a form of communication. If you are not making eye contact, then you are not communicating. 

5. Running Out of Air.

 

Breathlessness on the podium is one of the most common mistakes made because many novice speakers do not think to breathe. If you wait until you are totally out of breath, you will then be required to inhale a huge amount of air in order to fill your lungs. In doing so, you will experience breathlessness and a tightness in your chest. My advice is to learn to breathe with the support of your diaphragm - truly the best means of controlling nervousness - and then practice supplementing your air supply before you are depleted. 

 

These 5 common mistakes can be easily rectified if you know your material, converse with your audience, learn how to control your speed, make eye contact with your listeners and remember to breathe.

8 Top Public Speaking Tips

So, you've got to give a speech in public? Once your stomach stops churning, here are some public speaking tips that should make your job easier. 

 

1. Outline your speech 

 

Write out what you are going to talk about. Your outline should cover all the points you want to make in your speech, in a reasonably logical order. 

 

2. Make notes 

 

One of the easiest ways is to use old-fashioned 3x5 index cards. Each one should have a bullet point on it that you can expand on. If you're using a PowerPoint slide show, then this should give you the basis for your notes. 

 

3. Practice your presentation 

 

Stand in front of a mirror and practice your speech. If you're likely to be embarrassed, do this while no one else is at home. Speaking out loud is a necessary part of this practice. Sure, it may be uncomfortable the first few times you try it, but you'll get better as you go along. Note where you stumble—this will help you decide where you need to change your speech slightly. 

 

4. Talk to one person 

 

It doesn't matter whether you're talking in a business meeting with one other person or addressing hundreds, or even thousands, of people. Talk as though you are talking face-to-face with one person. If you've got a large audience, focus on one person and talk to them. 

 

5. Stay away from humor 

 

Unless you're a renowned after dinner speaker, humor is best left out of your speech. Not everyone shares the same sense of humor so you’re likely to either fall flat (no one will laugh) or you’ll offend someone unintentionally. It’s safest to just avoid humor unless it’s spontaneous.

 

6. Don't fidget 

 

If you've got a podium then there's a natural place to put your hands. If you haven't, plan ahead of time what you’ll do with your hands so you don't fidget or gesture too much. Fidgeting makes you look nervous! 

 

7. If you stumble, carry on 

 

Most of your audience will be relieved that it's not them giving the speech. If you stumble, recover as fast as you can. Do your best not to get flustered and make sure you keep your place in your speech so you can recover from any glitches quickly. 

 

8. Keep it short 

 

Unless you've been told that you absolutely have to speak for a set amount of time, stick to the idea that less is more. Don't bore your audience. Ideally, they should be wanting more when you've finished your set speech. 

How to Craft the Ideal Elevator Speech

Networking is one of the key tools that can make the difference between a good career and a great career. Many people shy away from networking or fumble around when meeting new people because they don’t know what to say about themselves. They’re missing an opportunity to connect with the very people who need them! The secret is in crafting a short and powerful “elevator speech.”

 

The most effective elevator speeches are succinct, carefully-crafted messages that immediately tell someone why he or she needs to hire you. An elevator speech should tell the listener: 

 

1. What you do

 

Consider what you do. Then think about how you distinguish yourself from the other people in your niche and what makes you unique and memorable.

 

2. Who your target audience is

 

Visualize your ideal audience member. Think about what that person is lacking or what problems they have.

3. What need you fill

 

In this step, think about how you fill the need of that audience and what skills or talents you have that they need. 

4. What result you would like from this encounter

 

The last part of the elevator speech helps you to take this contact to the next level. What are you looking for? A meeting? A name of someone who can help you? A resource? Ask!

 

This type of elevator speech focuses on your target audience: what they lack, what they need and why you are the best person to solve their problems. This type of message is more likely to encourage your listener to talk to you, find out more about what you do, have another meeting and eventually hire you or refer you to someone who will hire you. 

 

Put these elements together using the following template: 

 

As a ____________________________________________________

                                  (Describe yourself) 

 

I help____________________________________________________ 

                                 (Your target audience) 

 

to _______________________________________________________

   (Describe the need that you fill for your target audience) 

 

so that they ________________________________________________

                                 (The benefits that they gain) 

 

Here's what I would love for us to do: ______________________________

                                                       (Your goal from this encounter) 

 

You can refine your Elevator Speech in a few ways: 

 

1. Change any long words or jargon into everyday language 

2. Cut out unnecessary words 

3. Finalize your speech by making sure it is no more than 90 words long (excluding the last part where you state your goal). 

 

Practice your speech so that you are comfortable with the message, and you feel authentic when saying it. Try it out in front of a mirror and then say it to your family and friends.