How Can I Stop Being a People Pleaser?

Have you recently come to realize that you are a people pleaser? Don't worry. This is a common revelation. But now that you've realized you are a people pleaser, it's time to stop being one for your own health and sanity. 

 

Below are some ways you can learn to stop being a people pleaser. 

 

Set Boundaries

 

The most important step to stopping your people-pleasing ways is to establish boundaries in your relationships. Of course, different relationships will have different boundaries, but they need to be there regardless. For example, if your significant other asks you to do something extra because they have a busy week ahead, this might be okay, but if your friend does this all the time, it might be time to draw the line. 

 

Take Small Steps

 

Chances are, you aren't going to stop being a people pleaser overnight. Being a people pleaser has probably been ingrained in your mind since you were young. Therefore, you should start small instead of changing everything at once. To begin with, you can set some simple boundaries that shouldn't offend anyone. For example, let someone know you aren't available during work hours. 

 

Set Goals For Yourself

 

It's important, as you stop being a people pleaser, that you have a clear direction for yourself to stop from sliding back into your people-pleasing ways. You should make goals of who you want to devote your time to and what you want to accomplish in life. It is common for people-pleasers to feel as if they need to please their parents to the point where they neglect their romantic relationships. If this sounds like you, your goal should be to devote more of your time to your significant other and less to your parents. 

 

Engage in Positive Self-Talk

 

People pleasers feel good about themselves when they do something nice for someone else, and as you leave your people-pleasing ways, you will likely be missing this positive reinforcement. This is why you need to create it for yourself. Every time you establish a boundary and keep it, tell yourself you did a good job and that you are doing something good for yourself—because it may not feel as good as people-pleasing does at first.

 

Overall, the road to leaving your people-pleasing ways isn't going to be without struggle. But if you use the above tips, you'll find that you are actually enjoying doing something for yourself rather than people-pleasing all the time. Before you know it, your people-pleasing days will be nothing but a distant memory. 

 

How Does People Pleasing Hurt Us?

Maybe you've recently discovered that you are a people pleaser. What is so wrong with that? You like to make others happy! 

 

The truth is, people-pleasing is a damaging behavior for several reasons. Keep reading to learn more about the dangers of people-pleasing and how it may be hurting you. 

 

People Pleasing Can Damage Your Physical Health

 

When you take on risks and activities you aren't comfortable with just to make someone else happy, you are being a people-pleaser. These risks and activities can lead to physical damage.

 

Here is a question, have you ever gotten hurt doing something stupid to impress somebody? Yeah, don't worry - we all have.  

 

You Can Damage Your Mental Health

 

Besides your physical health, your mental health is in jeopardy when you constantly people-please. As a people pleaser, you often don't make enough time to care for yourself, and self-care is essential for maintaining mental health. When you disregard your mental health for too long, this can cause serious conditions like burnout and depression. 

 

You May Get Into a Toxic Relationship

 

People pleasers don't know how to say no, and sadly, there are people out there that will take advantage of this fact. Namely - toxic people who like to control others. Toxic relationships are unhealthy, as they frequently contain mental - or even physical - abuse.

 

It is extremely difficult to leave toxic relationships, so difficult in fact that many people don't get out soon enough. If you are a constant people-pleaser, you will find it harder to spot (and listen to) the signs indicating someone is toxic. 

 

You Won't Be As Successful

 

In addition to all the physical and mental damage, people-pleasing can cause, it also keeps you from achieving your dreams. You are so focused on saying yes to others and making them happy that you put what you need to do on the backburner. This means that someday you could come to realize you are working a job that you hate in a city you hate—all because you couldn't say no and tell others that you needed to focus on yourself. 

 

As you can see, being a people pleaser is quite dangerous all around. It hurts your physical and mental health and keeps you from success. So if you want to live a happy and healthy life filled with success, it's time to stop being a people pleaser right away. 

Bubble Wrap

Have you ever had what you thought was a really great idea turn out to be not so great after all? Now imagine someone else picking up your discarded idea and proving it actually was quite brilliant after all. 

 

This is what happened to Al Fielding and Marc Chavannes back in 1957.

 

These two gentlemen were working on an aesthetic problem. They wanted to create a textured wallpaper to create an interesting effect in a room. Their solution? Take two shower curtains and put them together, so that pockets of air would be trapped between them. This sheet of plastic could be put up on the walls to make for unique and charming décor.

 

The world didn’t exactly come flocking to their door. 

 

Undaunted they tried again. Same product: different marketing approaches. Maybe this unique bubbled plastic could be used to insulate greenhouses.

 

Not really. It sort of worked but was not something every greenhouse owner couldn’t live without. 

 

It took two years for someone to figure out what to do with the product. Frederick W. Bowers, who worked for the company which made the sheets of plastic with air pockets, realized they would be perfect for the transport of computer equipment for a company which had a sudden need for this kind of product – IBM. The material, now called ‘Bubble Wrap,’ was absolutely perfect for the job. The rest, shall we say, is history.

 

Bubble Wrap is one of those products that seemed to come along by accident. As a wallpaper, it wasn’t a great idea. (Just imagine your kids going around the house and poking the bubbles to pop them?). On the other hand, someone who was willing to think outside the box, or more accurately, think creatively about what to put IN a box, was able to come up with a use for the product no one else would have ever considered.

 

Thankfully, the creators of Bubble Wrap hadn’t given up on the product. They knew they had something interesting, they just didn’t know what to use it for. Sometimes you must experiment with your ideas to discover what you really have. Sometimes you have to think more creatively about what you have at hand.

 

The point is not to give up. Failure should never be anything more than a marker to tell you it’s time to attack the problem from a different angle. Learn from the mistake, then move on. Imagine what you’ll come up with when you do!

 

Milton Hershey

Chocolate. So good. So tasty. Who knew a candy bar could lead to a success story?

 

Hershey chocolate has become a staple in just about everyone’s diet. Whether you are a person who loves the straight-up Hershey bar or are more of a Kit Kat or Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup sort of person, there’s something for every chocolate lover. We can’t imagine life without chocolate, although only 150 years ago, only the rich could enjoy the delicious confection.

 

Chocolate had been around for centuries, but candy was something made by hand, taking a lot of time and effort to create. Thankfully some people saw it didn’t have to be that way. 

 

Meet Milton Hershey.

 

Hershey was the sort of guy who loved dessert. He also had a knack for sniffing out business opportunities. Unfortunately, most of his ideas didn’t work out very well. In fact, if it hadn’t been for relatives loaning him the money and a good bit of luck, his caramel business would have died out in the 1880s. Hershey, though, was one to keep an eye out for opportunity. He found it in 1893. 

 

Hershey noticed few were paying attention to a contraption at World’s Columbian Exposition in Chicago. A German chocolatier had a machine which could produce chocolate much more simply, with a lot less work. Although his field wasn’t chocolate, but caramel, he knew a good idea when he saw one. He purchased the machine to adapt to his own work, thinking chocolate-covered caramels might be a good idea.

 

This didn’t exactly work out as planned. What did, though, was making chocolate bars. These candy bars took the world by storm. So much so, Hershey was approached in 1937 to come up with a bar that wouldn’t melt easily but could have added nutrition to send with soldiers overseas as a supplement to their diet. During WWII, he was making 24 million bars a week for the military!

 

After the war, Hershey’s success was secured. He branched out into other kinds of chocolate bars, continually trying new things and expanding production until it became the successful company we know today.

 

Hershey might have been a failure initially, but he had a lot of drive and determination. What didn’t work, he left behind, pursuing quickly what did. When he was approached to try something new, he immediately rose to the challenge, asking, ‘how can I do this’ instead of focusing on ‘I’ve never done this before.’

 

To succeed in today’s world, show yourself to be persistent like Hershey. Never turn your back on a lucky break. Most of all, don’t forget to embrace the sweet things in life. You’ll be amazed where they can take you!

 

This Former Coffee-Hawker Says You're Not Thinking Big Enough

When Michelle Gass ran Starbucks, she helped the company move into 33 countries. When she first joined the coffee-based firm, she was asked to get behind a new drink. Starbucks had just launched the Frappucino, and Gass was ordered to develop a growth strategy to make the drink popular.

 

What began as a side item now earns Starbucks more than $2 billion annually. That's the income from just one drink. To say that Gass' efforts worked out is obvious.

 

She had long ago come up with a belief about how to approach achievement. It can help with personal and career goals. Men and women of all ages and levels of education and success can use the same idea. It’s powerful in its simplicity.

 

What was the approach she took that created such a winner for Starbucks? It's one she's used successfully in her career working with many Fortune 500 companies. She says her mantra is ...

 

"Let's think of how big this can be."

 

She's a firm believer in thinking big. A lot of leaders will tell you this. If you're going to dream, why not dream big? It doesn't make any sense to think small when thinking big doesn't take any more effort.

 

It’s up to you, really. If you have a task or responsibility, shoot for the moon. You get to choose what you strive for in life. Aiming for big results can make your world better for you and everyone you care for. Accomplishing great things feels so rewarding. You might even surprise yourself with what you’re able to accomplish.

 

To start seeing the world as incredibly abundant. Don't think of lack or just enough to get by. Think much bigger and envision big change rather than small, insignificant change. Imagine big things in your life. What you consciously tell your subconscious ends up as action. Your subconscious drives your actions, and your actions are what create the reality in your life.

 

Gass knows this. When Starbucks purchased Seattle's Best Coffee, she employed her "think bigger" mantra. In just a single year, she took Seattle's Best from 3,000 distribution points to over 50,000. That's what happens when you think big.

 

If you want big things in your life, you've got to think big. Dare to think bigger than you could possibly imagine. Even if you come up short, you will have achieved so much.

 

This Prime Minister Understood You Don't Have To Be Liked to Get the Job Done

Margaret Thatcher became Britain's Prime Minister after winning the general election in 1979. She was the first woman to lead one of the major political parties in the United Kingdom. Previous economic troubles saw her take leadership in the middle of a recession.

 

Unemployment was rising dramatically. The British people weren't happy. Nevertheless, Thatcher didn't try to appease everyone by being popular. Instead, she took dramatic steps that didn't make many people happy with her.

 

Even so, she stuck by her guns. To say that she was unpopular at the beginning of her reign as Prime Minister is an understatement. The IRA tried to assassinate her in 1984. When someone tries to kill you, that's pretty much the height of unpopularity.

 

Nevertheless, she was so successful in turning around the economy that she served three consecutive terms. She enjoyed landslide reelections twice and is one of the most popular PMs in recent memory.

 

Nevertheless, she had this lesson to teach us about needing people to like us.

 

"If you just set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything at any time, and you would achieve nothing."

 

The best leaders are often well-liked. People respect their power and their achievements. When great leaders produce the results their followers are looking for, it's natural for them to enjoy popularity.

 

That's not to say that leaders should develop a dependence on being popular.

 

Margaret Thatcher understood this. She saw the inherent problem that can develop when approval becomes more important than delivering results.

 

You Don't Have To Be a Leader to Learn from This Lesson

 

You're probably not a politician. Very few people are. Maybe you don't long to become Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. It doesn't matter if you never throw your hat into the political arena. The lesson here is still relevant for so many of us.

 

If you want to accomplish anything, you can't worry if your actions will be popular or not. If you want to be popular, put everyone else first and worry about yourself last.

 

While helping others is an admirable character trait, you have to be careful. If you're doing it for people to like you, that's the wrong reason. Human beings can be rather fickle, which means your popularity can disappear quickly. 

 

No matter what you're trying to accomplish in your life, do it for the right reasons. It's easier to create the results you're looking for when you keep your eyes focused on the game plan rather than worrying about being popular.

7 Reasons Why You Don’t Set Boundaries and How to Start

You’ve gotten roped into staying late at work. Again. Or you’ve committed to something that you didn't want to but felt you had to. Now you’re beating yourself up because you know you should have better boundaries, but you don’t seem to understand how to form them. What do you do?

 

First, you need to realize that having problems setting boundaries is normal. We have a lot of reasons why we don’t like setting boundaries:

 

1. Fear. The number one reason we don’t do anything is generally fear. When you don’t know what the outcome is going to be when you first set that boundary, it’s bound to be terrifying.

 

2. It would be selfish. After all, why should your needs come before anyone else’s?

 

3. Taking care of yourself is unusual. This point is an extension of the last one. Not only is self-care selfish, but it would take time and resources from caring for others. Forgetting of course, that we can’t take care of anyone if we don’t take care of ourselves first.

 

4. Someone’s going to get mad at you. Which of course will lead to conflict and maybe even a confrontation. You might find yourself thinking that setting a boundary in these situations is just not worth it. 

 

5. Doing it the other way is a habit. It might be that you’re used to being asked to stay late at work – every day. Now it’s a habit to stay. The problem is, habits are hard to break, which means setting that boundary doesn’t just involve putting your foot down but changing an entire way of thinking. 

 

6. There’s a price to pay for saying ‘no.’ If other people trample over your needs to get their own needs met, then when you do say no, you know there’s going to be a negative repercussion. And who needs that kind of commotion in your life?

 

7. It’s not all that important anyway. Is it? That has more to do with self-esteem than anything. And yes, your boundaries are just that important.

 

So how do you go about setting boundaries when that’s unusual for you?

 

• Start by asking for what you want – and be specific.

• Be open to compromise.

• Have an exit strategy if they say ‘no.’ What will you accept?

• Be ready emotionally for a negative response. Not everything will be a ‘yes.’

• Don’t take rejection personally.  

 

Boundaries don’t have to be terrifying. Understanding why you don’t set them is the first step toward establishing positive change. When you use what you know to set solid boundaries for yourself, you will discover peace and happiness that you never knew was even possible.

5 Strategies for Guarding Your Personal Boundaries

Imagine an invisible fence set around yourself, with a single gate that is shut and locked, with only you in possession of the key. How does that make you feel?

 

When we have good personal boundaries, then we’ve set a space around us that we control. We tell those around us they can go only so far, and no further. Not that we’re alone, but it’s up to us to open the gate, and we get to decide who comes in.

 

The problem is, the world has a way of pushing against that fence. There will always be people who want more of your time, more of your energy. More of you. Thankfully there are things you can do to guard those boundaries and keep them strong.

 

1. Identify your limits. It’s impossible to guard what you haven’t even defined. The trick here is to define those limits clearly and succinctly. For example, you might want to protect some time with your family. But a boundary too vague is impossible to protect. But by clarifying the goal down to “Saturday’s are family time” then you know what you’re protecting (time with your family). So, with things that do come up on Saturday which do not involve the family, it's suddenly not so difficult to say no. 

 

2. Be straightforward. Never let someone push your boundaries without your permission. And when it does happen, take direct and clear action immediately. Anytime your boundaries are threatened, it’s time to open a dialogue with the violator. That gives you the opportunity to verbally reset the boundary in a way that makes it clear to the other person that the boundary is there. 

 

3. Pay attention to your feelings. If you’re feeling like someone is violating your boundaries, ask yourself why. Go with your gut instinct here as you analyze your emotions. It’s very likely that what you’re sensing is a boundary violation that you need to address.

 

4. Speak up. When you feel like your boundaries are being violated, you need to say something. After all, the best guard challenges all intruders. Being assertive now will save you a lot of heartache and problems down the road later.

 

5. Remind yourself that you have a right to set boundaries. Sometimes our boundaries have grown weak because we don’t feel like we have a right to set them in the first place. Permitting yourself to set the boundary will immediately strengthen it again.

 

Guarding your boundaries is an important part of living a life that’s not only healthy and happy but meaningful. Self-confident, strong people have solid boundaries that they protect. Protecting your boundaries is probably one of the most effective tools you have toward realizing a happy and productive life.

What are Personal Boundaries and Why We Need Them

You’ve probably heard the phrase before, but maybe you’re unsure what it means. Just what ARE personal boundaries, and what difference do they make in your life?

 

To understand a personal boundary, you have to understand what a boundary is. Let’s start at the dictionary and go from there:

 

bound·a·ry (noun)

a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.

 

Most boundaries are pretty easy to see. The world is full of fences and dividers, clearly marking off space. A personal boundary does the same thing – only on a more invisible and internal level. Let’s look at this on a little closer.

 

What are boundaries?

 

1. A boundary tells you what your responsibility is in a given situation. You already have some boundaries at work or school. These are the parameters of your job or your responsibility as a student and usually are marked out pretty clearly when you took the job or where enrolled. On a personal level, a boundary tells you who you’re responsible for (yourself of course, but you might also be a caregiver). But what about your other responsibilities such as paying your bills, or taking care of your pets?

 

2. A boundary keeps you safe. Many of these should go without saying – such as abstaining from drinking and driving. But sometimes you have to set some such boundaries for yourself. Such as whether or not it’s healthy to be in a relationship with a certain individual.

 

3. A boundary tells us who we are.  Are you a good person? A bad person? A selfish person? A pious one? Our moral code becomes the boundary that defines us.

 

4. A boundary clarifies your needs. What things need to be in place in your life for you to be happiest and healthiest? What protects you for overwork or abuse?

 

5. A boundary defines your relationships. What are the parameters of your relationship? Is that healthy? What is your responsibility to that other person? How are they responsible for you?

 

With all that, it makes sense that having strong boundaries is a good idea. Especially when you take into consideration these facts:

 

Boundaries…

 

…give you a better idea of who you are

…help others to understand your needs

…give guidelines in your relationships

…make for healthy interactions with other people

 

And perhaps most important of all, they are an integral part of self-care.

 

As a side note remember this: Boundaries need to be revisited occasionally and re-evaluated. As we grow and change, our boundaries will change as well. 

 

With all this at stake, it’s no wonder we give boundaries such a lot of attention. Boundaries can mean the difference between a happy and healthy life and a life of drudgery and resentment. 

 

Is it time to learn where to draw the line?