Why Do We Compare Ourselves To Others?

The first thing to say here is that it is totally natural for you to want to compare yourself with others so there is no reason to feel bad about this. What is important is how these comparisons make you feel about yourself.

 

When you think about it if you don’t compare yourself to other people how can you know where you stand and how well you are doing? Since you were a child, you learned to compare yourself to others. It is hardwired into your brain, but this doesn’t mean that you cannot change your approach to comparisons so that they benefit you.

 

The Festinger Research

 

Nowadays there is a lot of research work into why people compare themselves to others but back in the 1950’s there was hardly any. At that time there was a social psychologist called Leon Festinger that had a strong interest in the subject so he decided to run a number of studies on why people compared themselves to others.

 

After he completed the studies, he concluded two things:

• People like to compare themselves to others as a way of reducing the uncertainty in their lives.

• Comparing themselves with others provided them with clues of how they should think and behave.

 

This was a revolutionary breakthrough in psychology at the time. What Festinger discovered was that each one of us do not have the capability intrinsically or on our own to define who we are. We need to use comparisons with other people to achieve this.

 

Another important breakthrough was that when there is a huge gap between one person and another in terms of say intellect, ability, character and so on that there would be less chance of a comparison occurring.

 

He concluded from this that we are far more likely to make comparisons with people that we consider to be similar to ourselves than those that are totally different. So as an example, it is far more likely for you to compare yourself with another team member at work than it is to make a comparison with the CEO.

 

Importance Matters

 

We all have people in our lives that we consider important. In this situation you will experience a lot more pressure to try and be like these people. So if they have a specific opinion about something then you will try to conform to that opinion because you think that the person is very important.

 

So if you ask someone important in your life for some advice about something, you are far more likely to accept their advice than you are if you asked the same question online and a total stranger offered different advice. You are not objectively weighing up the two sets of advice you received.

 

Two Different Reasons to Compare yourself to others

 

As with most things in life there is a good and a bad way to make comparisons with other people. The bad way can provide you with some short-term benefits but if it goes wrong it can cause you a great deal of pain. The good method will not create any pain in your life at all and should be beneficial always.

 

The bad way to compare yourself to others is to do it to validate how good you are. You choose a person that you know is weaker than you in an area that you excel and use this for an ego boost. 

 

The good way is to make comparisons for your own development. You want to achieve a specific goal so you seek out people that have already done this and learn from them. Can you see the difference here?

 

Why Comparing Yourself To Others Can Be Destructive

Everyone compares themselves to others from time to time. It is a natural thing for humans to do. But often these comparisons can be really destructive. When you compare yourself to another person for the wrong reasons you are actually looking at how your worth as a person compares to yours.

 

There are some people that have got into the habit of comparing themselves to others so much that they do it on an almost daily basis, and sometimes more than once a day. They do it with their friends and family, at work with their colleagues and even with famous people. So why can this be so bad for you to do?

 

Bitterness and Anger

 

You are at work and you get the news that another coworker has received a promotion. This person is younger than you and joined the team later than you did. In your opinion they are just average and they didn’t deserve to get promoted before you did.

 

So what happens here? You go into a negative thought spiral that runs around in your head for most of the day. “How dare they promote this person before me!” The negative spiral makes you start to doubt your own ability so you experience thoughts like “I am not good enough” and “nobody here respects me”.

 

What you are not taking into account is that this person has been attending night classes to learn about business and management. They have also taken on projects that you would never take on because they could go wrong and that is just too risky for you.

 

You are totally bitter about this situation. Every time you arrive in the office the negative thought spiral kicks in. Now your bitterness towards this person has turned to anger and you do everything that you can to avoid them. The person invites you to celebrate with them but you find an excuse not to attend.

 

Before this person received the promotion you had no problem with them at all. You used to talk to them all the time and even laugh and joke with them. Now everything has changed. You are just bitter and resentful. 

 

This is a very bad situation. Every time you go to your office you feel bitterness and anger. This is not good for your health or your self-esteem. You are not interested in the back story and the person’s efforts to achieve promotion. You have not done any of these things and expect everything to just fall into your lap.

 

Impact on Self-esteem

 

One of the most dangerous things about negative comparisons is the harm that it does to your self-esteem. You probably don’t realize this is happening but you are thinking that you were overlooked for promotion because you are not good enough.

 

When your self-esteem takes a hit like this it can be devastating for you. If you rant and rave about the situation to others in your team then they quickly tire of your complaining and you can lose their support. This in turn makes your self-esteem crash even more.

What you can do?

 

Try to see the positive side of things rather than the negative. Find out how the person got the promotion and use this as inspiration so that you can embark on a similar journey. Whining and complaining when things like this happen will get you nowhere. It will just make you feel terrible and can lead to lots of other problems.

 

Ways To Boost Your Self-esteem After Making Bad Comparisons

If you are someone that keeps making bad comparisons with others that make you feel negatively about yourself then your self-esteem is going to be low. When you see that your neighbor has a brand-new car and your car is years old then you can go into a negative spiral which will lower your self-esteem dramatically.

 

You start to question your worth. “Why don’t I earn enough money to buy a new car?” and other similar thoughts fill your head. This is not rational behavior as you don’t know the full story. Your neighbor might have received the car as part of his job or even leased it. All you are focusing on is the pain and the fact that you are not good enough.

So, if you find yourself in a situation like this how can you boost your self-esteem so that you stop having such a low opinion of yourself which makes you feel terrible? We have some great techniques for you in this article.

 

List your previous Achievements

 

We have all achieved a number of things in our lives and often don’t give ourselves any credit for doing this. Just because millions of other people passed their driving test doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t give yourself credit for doing this too.

 

Take some time out and write down some of your past achievements. If you had to overcome a number of challenges to achieve something then these need to be on your list. It doesn’t matter how insignificant you think these achievements are. Just write them down and reflect on how well you did.

 

Stop Dwelling in the Past

 

Something that will definitely affect your self-esteem in the wrong way is to dwell on the past mistakes you have made. Everyone makes mistakes but people with high self-esteem learn from their mistakes and move on. They don’t keep raking up the past so that it influences their future.

 

A lot of people believe that if they tried something once and failed that they will never be able to do this in the future. Do you think like this? So, if you wanted to learn Spanish in the past and gave up after a few days this means that you will never be able to learn Spanish. This is just ridiculous and you are letting your past rule you.

 

Look your Best

 

A lot of people with low self-esteem get to the point where they do not care how they present themselves to the world. If you are a man then maybe you haven’t had a shave for a few days and you look terrible. 

 

To give yourself a much-needed boost shave off that horrible stubble now and put on some nice clothes. If you are a woman then get your hair done or your nails. Buy some new clothes that you can wear outside with pride. This will give your self-esteem a much-needed boost.

 

Don’t let Fear hold you back

 

We all have irrational fears that we carry around with us. People with low self-esteem can have a lot more of these than others do. The best way to boost your self-esteem in this situation is to tackle a fear head on and do it anyway.

 

This is not going to be easy for you but once you have challenged this fear and done something that scared you before you will feel so much better about yourself. So identify an irrational fear today and just go for it!

 

How To Stop Being Dependent On Others For Your Happiness

People often get confused about what over dependency really is. It is perfectly natural and healthy to want to be in a loving relationship with someone. You are dependent on their love and they are dependent on theirs.

 

There are a lot of couples where one of the partners works to earn money while the other stays at home and takes care of the children. This is fine too as long as both partners have an equal say in the relationship and a level of independence to pursue their own goals and dreams.

 

What is not healthy is being overly dependent on someone, or even a group of people, for your happiness and contentment. If you feel obliged to spend all of your time and energy making someone else happy so that you can be happy then this is not a healthy situation.

 

A lot of people in this situation become obsessed about the thoughts that others have of them. They are constantly trying to please another person in order to have peace of mind. Before long this can really spiral out of control and you can find yourself overly dependent on another individual.

 

So if you are in this situation just how do you get out of it? Well, you can get out of it but it will take some time and effort on your part. Here are some recommended ways that you can use to gradually free yourself from over dependence.

 

Improve your Self-worth

 

Depending on others for your happiness is usually a sign that a person’s self-worth is very low. Nobody should have to be dependent on someone else to feel happy and alive. By increasing your self-worth you will gradually alleviate the need for this dependency.

 

Think about what you have achieved in your life so far so that you can identify your strengths. People with low self-worth often say that they do not have any strengths but this is not true at all. 

 

If you are influenced too much by what others think then you may have even developed skills just to please them. These skills do nothing for your self-worth or independence. So, think about what you have achieved for you in your life and reflect on these to give you a boost.

 

Look for Happiness within rather than outside

 

A lot of people are conditioned to believe that they can only be happy if they only have certain things around them, which includes people. For some, having a lot of possessions is the key to happiness.

 

But all of these things are really doing is filling a hole in your life. It is better to look for happiness within yourself. That way if you lost everything tomorrow you can still be happy. Consider meditation as an effective way to do this.

 

Be at ease with yourself

 

How do you feel about spending time alone? Does this make you uncomfortable? Everyone should be at ease spending time alone. If you have a problem with this then you need to deliberately find ways to be on your own and become more comfortable with this.

 

Take Responsibility for your Life

 

To lessen your dependency on others you need to take responsibility for your life. Tell yourself that you are responsible for your happiness and how your life will pan out in the future. Set yourself some goals and do things your way.

 

Why Validating Yourself Through Comparisons Is Bad

We all make comparisons with others throughout our lives. Sometimes a comparison can be really good for you and other times it can be bad. There are people that make comparisons based on jealousy and other negative emotions. These will usually have negative consequences such as making a person feel terrible and lowering their self-worth.

 

Then there are good comparisons. These are when a person wants to improve their life and looks to someone else to understand the gap that they need to close to achieve their goals. Maybe they have a gap in terms of knowledge and experience and once they know what this is then they can create a plan to close the gap.

 

Using Comparisons to Validate how good you are

 

Then we have the comparisons that some people make to validate how good they are. There is some good intent here as they want to confirm that they are still great at something. This is a very common type of comparison that happens every day all across the world.

 

Let’s say that a person is very good at making money. They then compare themselves with someone that is always broke and is the complete opposite of them. When they compare their lives the person that is good at making money gets an ego boost while the person that is broke ends up even more depressed.

 

But what if this comparison went wrong? If you are the person that is good at making money and you come across a stranger that looks poor to you how can your comparison for an ego boost fail?

 

Well, you do not know anything about this person and appearances can be very deceptive. You are assuming that they don’t know how to make money like you do based solely on their appearance. You don’t really know what their financial position.

So, you think to yourself that you have been right every time in the past so you are going to give the comparison with this stranger a shot and you are feeling confident. But it turns out to be a disaster because the person has a lot more money than you and knows many more money-making methods than you do!

 

How do you react to this? You are in the company of friends and colleagues who are in a state of shock over this. They begin to act warmly towards the stranger because he is their new idol. Do you become bitter and even angry over this? It is very likely, isn’t it?

 

Other Downsides of Validation Comparisons

 

With a validation comparison there is always likely to be a winner and a loser. It is like a competition and the loser is probably going to be pretty unhappy. In the scenario above the person thought he was going to be victorious and then came crashing down to earth.

 

If you use the same people for your validation comparisons it will not take long for them to get fed up with this ridiculing and start to avoid you. They will quickly spread the word about you as well. For the validation comparer the world can be a pretty lonely place.

 

Using validation comparisons rarely move people forward in their lives. They have got to a pint where they are content to wallow in their victories at the expense of others but they are not setting themselves any new challenges and growing as a result.

 

How To Be More Confident And Less Dependent On Others

If you are someone who is often concerned about what others think about you then this can really tank your self-confidence. Being reliant on others to feel good about yourself is a bad situation to be in. If you had higher confidence levels then you wouldn’t need to do this so much, if at all.

 

So, in this article we will provide you with some proven methods to increase your self-confidence. The first method will give you an instant confidence boost and the others will take more time and consistent effort. Make a commitment to work on your self-confidence every day because it is so important for your independence.

 

Create Confidence through Motion

 

People that are low on self-confidence often have a poor body posture. They tend to sit around a lot or lie on the couch and these things have a negative impact on your confidence levels. It is easy to make yourself feel down and even depressed if you use bad posture.

 

Let’s say that you have been invited to a party by one of your best friends. You are not feeling confident because you know that there will be a lot of people there you have not met before. But you don’t want to let your friend down so you accept the invitation.

 

What body posture will you adopt when you are walking in a room full of strangers? Will you slouch your way in with your shoulders dropped and your head down? This is great if you don’t want to meet anyone new and have a lousy time.

 

But if you want to enjoy yourself then change your posture. Stand tall and throw your shoulders back. Lift your head up so that you can make eye contact with people. Put a confident smile on your face. Practice this in the mirror before going to the party. It will make you feel great!

 

Address your Negative Thinking

 

Unconfident people usually have a lot of negative thoughts swirling around in their heads. These thoughts tell them that they are a loser and their life is worthless. If this is happening to you then you need to take control of your thoughts.

 

This is going to take time and practice so you need to accept that you have to keep working on it. If you have a negative thought which says “you are worthless” then neutralize this with a positive thought like “I am great and have a lot to offer”.

 

Practice this until it becomes automatic. Getting rid of negative thought spirals will do wonders for your self-confidence. You will feel a whole lot better about yourself and ready for any challenges that you may face.

 

Don’t Idolize other People

 

Too many people idolize others and this is just crazy. They hang on to their every word on social media and want to live their life like them. But what they don’t know is that this person has a lot of flaws and they are far from perfect.

 

There is no problem with looking up to certain people because they have more knowledge or experience than you and you can learn from them. But you will never be free and really develop your self-confidence if you just idolize them.

 

Be Proud of Yourself

 

You have come a long way in life and you have many things that you can feel proud of. There have been a number of problems that you needed to overcome and you did that. So, reflect on the great things that you have done before for a great self-confidence boost.

 

What Is Your Self-View And Why Is It So Important?

The “self-view” is a term created by psychology experts for how you see yourself. Sometimes you will also see this called your “self-concept”. Basically, your self view is a combination of your opinions, beliefs, attitudes and preferences that form your definition of who you are.

 

It is all about how you think about yourself. This is really powerful because it will define how you think and the way that you act. Our self-view is critical and we really need it to make sense of our world. 

 

The Self has been Studied by Psychologists for a long time

 

The concept of the self-view is easy to understand but it is a very complex psychological area which has had psychologists trying to figure it all out for a very long time. Although everyone has a self-view it is not always easy for us to know what is really going on on the inside. 

 

This is because we are all different and our mixture of traits, preferences, personality characteristics and abilities differ wildly to the next person. It doesn’t matter that much that we cannot explain everything about the self-view though.

 

What is important is that we are aware of its existence. People need their self-view so that they can form their own perceptions of the world and feel comfortable in their environment. Without it we would always be asking others how we stack up (which a lot of people do anyway but this is usually due to low self-esteem rather than not having a self-view).

 

In the very early days of research into the self-view, Descartes formed the conclusion that the very existence of an individual was totally dependent on how they perceived the world around them.

 

The well-known psychologist, Simund Freud, believed that the self-view comprised of three elements which are:

 

1. Your ID which is pleasure based

2. Your ego which is a state of balance between your ID and your superego

3. Your superego which is driven by your conscience

 

Important Aspects about the Self View

 

There are a lot of different assumptions held about the self-view to make sense about it. Here are some of the most important ones:

 

You Learn your Self View

 

The assumption here is that you are not born with your self-view. You will develop it as you grow and become an adult. In fact, your self-view can change many times during your life. Many experts believe that you can change your self-view if you need to and this is a good thing.

 

Your Self View has Structure

 

Over the years you are likely to develop many different views about yourself. The assumption here is that all of these different opinions are organized into a single self-view. This structure helps you to instantly challenge anything that doesn’t conform to your-self view.

 

Every day an individual is likely to be subjected to many different messages and a number of these can challenge their self-view. Even though these different challenges are about different aspects of a person’s life the reaction is automatic.

 

Your Self-View can Change

 

It is not easy to change your-self view because you have built it up over a long period of time. But you can change it. Sometimes different environmental changes can force you to change your-self view. Other times you may want to change it yourself because it is not supporting what you want to do.

 

5 Exercises To Maintain Your Mental Toughness

What do we mean exactly when we say “mental toughness?” What is the association between physical exercise and the resilience of your mind? The body and the mind are closely related and one certainly affects the other. 

 

Mental toughness is a measure of your ability to bounce back from setbacks. If you don’t take care of your body, you will lack essential cognitive skills such as creativity, the ability to focus and memory recall.

 

Have you had bad days when everything seemed to go wrong? You decide to go for a walk and in no time, you notice that something in you is changing - you feel lighter, you are able to see things from a different perspective and concerns diminish.

 

1. Walking to achieve Optimal Mental Strength

 

Walking at a constant, steady pace promotes wonderful changes in your brain. Many studies encourage walking less than thirty minutes a day to reduce certain mental problems, avoid depression and enhance the quality of your life.

 

The simple constant and regular movement during this half hour set our heart “in motion”. You will flood your body with oxygen and in particular your brain. Walking releases tension and will help to bring those calm brain waves into play! These allow us to attain that level of consciousness which allows us to be more receptive to the world.

 

2. Smile, a wonderful Therapeutic Exercise

 

You might surprise yourself and even fail to believe when you smile it is therapeutic and will fill you with positivity. Simply smiling will make a real difference to your mental state. You only need to smile and your brain sends you back a torrent of endorphins.

 

It is as if you reconnect or regain a perspective on reality. This will allow you to disconnect from everyday stress. For this reason, do not hesitate to smile every day. When you feel exhausted, just smile in the mirror. See yourself and perceive what is happening inside of you.

 

3. Deep breaths 3 times a day

 

Stress leads to unbalanced and accelerated breathing and prevents the brain from getting the right amount of oxygen that it requires. In addition, any situation of stress or anxiety releases cortisol, which is a hormone that in high doses can negatively impact your mind and body.

 

To avoid problems with stress be sure to participate in deep breathing exercises.

 

• Three times a day practice your deep breathing for 15 minutes

• When you breathe in count for 5 seconds. Hold your breath for 7 seconds and then exhale for 8 seconds

• Keep doing these deep breathing exercises and you will see great improvement

 

4. Stretches in the Morning

 

Morning stretches will help you to maintain your mental strength as you learn to “relax” your body. In other words, it will provide your body with relaxation, elasticity, resistance and more.

 

Get up a little earlier in the morning and start with some gentle stretching exercises. They should focus on your neck area, shoulders, hips and lower back.

 

5. Lifting Weights

 

You will find it very therapeutic to participate in simple resistance exercises. The aim with these exercises is to reduce anxiety. To release negative emotions such as worry, apprehension and fear spend around 10 to 15 minutes each day lifting weights.

 

This moderate intensity resistance exercise will not only allow you to gain stronger muscles, but will also help you better channel rage, frustration, anxiety and other negative emotions. When you use all five of these simple exercises you will have more agile mental strength day after day! In addition, you will be prepared to face daily challenges.

 

How to Overcome Failure

Failure can be defined with several definitions, but only those who have faced it in their life understand its true meaning. It is very obvious that nobody on this earth likes to fail. However, there exists a fact that almost everybody on earth has tasted at least once in their life. 

 

The very obvious question that comes up in the mind is that, if everybody faces failure then what makes the people sitting at the peak of glory different than the rest. Well, it is the way in which they tackle failure that differentiates them. No successful person in this world has not tasted ever in his/her life. It is hence, considered as an integral part of success.

 

Though there are several tips on the internet for overcoming failure those who face it find most of them either impractical or pretty theoretical. However, it totally depends on your caliber as to how well you use this advice to tackle your failure.

 

To begin with, it would be right to say that get over with the remorse of your failure as soon as possible. The more you crib about it, the tougher it would become for you to handle it. For heaven’s sake, do not blame others for your failure. Often, students pursuing sage training would blame their teachers; employees would blame their managers and entrepreneurs would blame their employees for their failure. This way you would go deeper and deeper in the pit of failures. So, if you want to overcome failure, accept your mistake and take the blame for yourself.

 

After you have taken the blame on yourself for your failure, your job is not done. What good have you done by taking the blame on yourself? To overcome your failure, take the very first step of identifying the cause of the failure. Try to find out what went wrong, where exactly did you go haywire and what else could you have done to dodge. By doing this, you would understand that, had you done 'this' then 'that,' you would not have met the failure. It would show you the path to overcoming your failure to a great extent and would also boost your confidence.

 

If you find it difficult to chalk out your lapses, seek the advice of experts or mentors. Be honest and frank with them. Do not hesitate in telling them that you have failed. They would rather be impressed by the fact that although you have failed, yet you are striving back again to overcome your failure and transform it into success. Experts and mentors may change the entire game.

 

One you have identified your pitfalls, it's time to work towards the success. Most of the people make a mistake, throughout their efforts to succeed, of thinking continuously about theirs. Especially while pursuing the home study. Stop it. Do not believe that about your failure, again and again, rather concentrate on your efforts towards success. Your constant endeavors would certainly pay off well. Always remember, never give up and the Phoenix shall indeed rise.

 

Secrets to Overcoming Self-Doubt

Self-doubt is something we all experience in our day-to-day life. It is nothing new. But it becomes a problem when it permeates every aspect of a person life and prevents them from living life to the fullest. If self-doubt has become a problem for you, the danger is that you may decide to settle for mediocrity. This is because, self-doubt has the power to destroy your confidence, cripple you and stop you from pursuing your dreams.

 

Here are three secrets to overcoming self-doubt:

 

1. Do not be afraid to make mistakes.

 

Self-doubt is grounded in fear, - fear that we will make mistakes or do the wrong thing. It is simply the fear of negative things happening. To overcome this fear, you will need to change your thought pattern. Human beings are not perfect and making a mistake is something we do. So don't allow mistakes to make you feel guilty and bad, rather, let them be your teacher. Remember that you can recover from making a mistake, so do not allow the fear of making one imprison you in self-doubt. Know that just because you make mistakes does not mean you are a failure. Go on and try something new, you will never grow unless you take risks.

 

2. Do not allow your feelings to rule your life.

 

We were all born with the ability to make our decisions without any influence from outside. Self-doubt forces us to do things by placing outside pressure on us. In other to overcome it, you need to recognize that doubt is just a thought in your mind. It only has the power to stop you from enjoying life if you allow it. Remember that you have the ability to go forward and do whatever you need to do regardless of how doubtful you feel. I know that feelings are often very strong, and it is not always easy to go contrary to them. But, to be able to enjoy freedom from self-doubt you need to behave contrary to these feelings of doubt. Otherwise, it will continue to run your life and hold you in bondage.

 

3. Practice at being positive.

 

Overcoming self-doubt is just a matter of doing away with one habit and forming another one. Discipline is required anytime a person is forming a new habit. Practice believing in yourself rather than doubting. Bear in mind that, in any situation you could either be wrong or right. So why not take the positive approach first? Purposefully try to look at the positive side of every situation. Look at the glass of water as half full instead of half empty.

 

Overcoming self-doubt begins with you. You must believe that you can achieve your destiny in spite of what other people say or what your mind and feelings say. Maybe you had negative messages fed into you since you were a child. It could have been a parent who excessively compared you to a sibling giving you the impression that you were flawed. But whatever the reason for your self-doubt and negative attitude towards yourself, the power to change lies with you. If you desire to be able to fulfill your dreams, then you must make a decision to start believing that you are a valuable person with a purpose to meet on this earth.